Screwed.

My cousin found this blog, and knew it was me. So I can't post anymore. Its been hard for me to even get on. Eating still sucks. I wish I had help. Love you all, miss you.

Lacie.

So I'm a Mess

I practically pushed Ana out the door with the way I have been eating.  I'm pretty much pathetic, and now I'm such a mess.  Its been months since I've taken this seriously, and I don't know why.  So right now is my new beginning.  I'm going to pretend I'm just staring, because I lost more weight that way.  I'm going to begin posting every day to every other day on here again like I always used to.  I'm going to do this right again.

I'm going online looking around like I did when I first began.  I'm reading all your blogs and I'm looking through pro ana sites like crazy.  I have to get some kind of motivation back, some kind of inspiration.  I'm apologizing to myself for letting this get away from me and ignoring the scale in my bathroom.  I can't let this get away.  I know that I have the strength.  I've lost weight before, I can do it again.  I don't need food.  I really don't.

Today is beginning a fast.  Its past 12 am, and I'm not going to eat until Tuesday night.  When that comes I'm going to eat soup.  It'll only be 140 calories.  Until then I'm not going to let any calories slip in.  None, I'm not even putting the usual tiny five calorie drop of half and half in my coffee.  I'm going to get back on track, the way I should be.

I am meant to be thin.  I just know it.  My goal weight right now is still 100.  But before that I need to get to 125.  I'm 135 right now, So once I get to 130, then I'll be closer.  I'm begging to get back to this.  I don't want to be fat anymore.  I don't want it.  I want thin, Its all that matters to me.  I promise I won't abondon Ana again, I'm so sorry to myself and to her.  I'm back for good, I promise.  I need to be hungry.

Lacie.

Sad.

I haven't been posting lately because I'm just so sad all the time, and since I'm sad, I haven't been eating a normal amount. I have been eating far too much. I need to stop. I have a little over two weeks before florida, and I want to be 125 by the time I leave. I think I can do it.

Softball started so I get the right amount of exercise, plus I get some muscle from it. Thats good. I am really going to go back to restricting what I eat again. I need to work hard for this. I want it, because I have to start wearing bathing suits soon, and I'm way too embarassed. I'm just so nasty and fat.

I have had 300 calories today so far. I had oatmeal for breakfast (100) and I had a raisin bagel for lunch (200). I am not going to eat until after softball, and that will be soup which is going to be 120 calories. That means that my total will be below 500...Thankgod. I won't let myself eat anything more after that, I swear.

Wish me luck!

Starve on,
Lacie.

Neglect

I've been neglecting my posting lately because I have just been doing so horribly ):  Like I've been signing on, I just haven't posted lately because I feel like I don't belong right now, because I've just been such a fraud.  Today was a little better than I have been, but nothing special.  I keep staying between 130 and 135, just up and down and up and down, never below.  Tomorrows beginning a new school week though, and I'm gonna work really hard.  I need to lost some weight, atleast five more pounds. Pleaseee ): 

Starve on,
Lacie.

Bad and Good

So today was good and bad.  The bad was that I ate a lot and like lost count of my calories.  The good was that I burned over 1000 calories on the treadmill.  I'm working out my eating for tomorrow right now.

Breakfast: 1 apple (80)
Lunch: 1 apple (80)
Dinner: 2 egg whites with ketchup (41)
Snack: granola bar (100)

Total: 301

Calories to be burnt on treadmill: 600 - 1000

Goodluck to meeee, and all of you (:

Starve on,
Lacie.

Lent?

Oh yeah, and I'm giving up meat and bread for lent.  I don't need it anyway. 

SOS - please help me girls ):

I am seriously the most pathetic girl you will ever meet.  I'm disgusting, and an embarrassment.  I'm surprised Ana hasn't just left me all together.  I have just been doing so horribly.  Its been far too long since I've really restricted for a good amount of time.  I don't want anymore days where I just eat regular, or binge.  Like, even if I'm not binging and I'm just eating regular, I still feel awful about it.  Then I never get time to run! I'm so pathetic.

I need serious help.  I just need to be thin.  I have one month and thirteen days to lose as much weight as possible.  I need all of your help pleasee.  Like I'm begging.  Just any kind of tips you have, any filling foods that are low in calories you can think of, any kind of special exercises or things to think about so I won't eat.  Anything special that you may do that helps you a lot, please just help.  I'm so happy to have you all here to talk to...and now I'm just begging for your help.  I need this.  I promise that if you help me, I will somehow repay you.  I just need help...I'm desperate ):

I really hope that some of you will comment tips and stuff, I just really need it.  Anything that could help me lose this horrible weight.  You girls are all so strong and amazing.  I need you now more than ever.  Please.  Thankyou so much if you help...I promise I will comment you back if you help me.  I'll leave it on your posts, so you can see it without having to come back to my bloggg.  Thankyou so muchhh.

Help me,
Lacie.

Not so horrible

Today wasn't that bad.  I'm pretty sure I took in no more than 700 calories, maybe less.  I had to go out with my best friend to dinner at chillies...which was difficult but I have this menu thing on my iphone that tells me calories in meals at restaraunts and didn't end up having too many calories there.  700 is an estimate for the day, I didn't even eat any apples because I wasn't hungry earlierrrr ha.  But anyway, then I burned off about 550 on the treadmill.  So I finished the day with 150, which isn't so bad.  Tomorrow, I am allowing myself one apple in school, and water.  Thats it, nothing else.  I need to be really strong for myself, so I'm working extra hard.  I also plan to burn some calories on the treadmill again.  Or maybe I'll go outside for a run if it isnt' ridiculously cold.

I hate winter so much.  I am always cold, and I can't run outside.  I just want to run in ridiculously hot weather, like 85 degrees.  I can't wait til summer.  And I also can't wait until april when me and my best friend go to florida...I plan to run a lot there.  I wanna sweat out all my horrible calories.  I just have to remember to bring my running shorts and stuff. 

Tomorrow though if its good temperature maybe I can go outside.  You burn more calories when you're actually running, so I've been told, so I'm totally down for that.  I have to lose soon.  I've been stuck at 130 forever.  I've just been way too weak.  I need to be strong.  Really strong.

I want to look good for florida, and right now my legs aren't in such good shape ): If anybody knows any really good exercises, like other than running, that are good for thinning down legs, please helppp.  I have to wear bathing suits in less than two months!  I'm terrified.  I'm not ready for people to look at me yet.  I'm transforming, and I don't want to reveal myself that way until I'm complete.  Does anyone else feel that way?  I feel like that all the time.

I'm going to make this all better.  I know that I can.  I can do anything that I set my mind to; no one will stop me.  I've found lately that writing helps me and keeps me busy the same way that photography does.  But when I can't take pictures or something, I can write, so its convenient in that kind of situation.  Plus you've probably seen some of my weird writing on here haha.  I wrote something today but I'm not putting it on hereee.

Anyway, good luck to all of youuu, be beautifulll (:

Starve on,
Lacie.

Fraud

I feel like such a fraud sometimes.  Like, I already know that I'm not considered anorexic, I'm like EDNOS, because I'm not underweight yet.  But even with that, when I eat, I feel like such a fake.  I want this so bad.  I need this.  I just need to try harder.

I didn't really do so bad today.  I don't think so atleast.  I didn't have more than 500 calories, I'm almost positive.  Tomorrow I am starting a new fast.  Its called water and apples, haha.  I'm allowed two apples a day, and only water (and my usual morning zero calorie coffee).  Its a good fast for me because I loveeee apples, and they're free at schoool.  I'm really hoping it goes well.  I need to do this fast until saturday.  I need to.  I know I can do it.  I just have to control myself.

Wish me luckkk.

Starve on,
Lacie.

Oh lacie where have you been?

God I really suck.  I just can't do this right.  I need to be skinny.  I'm not eating tomorrow.  I can't eat.  I don't want to!  I hate food so much and I have been eating like a damn pig lately, and its just not funny!  Its not okay!  Why am I so horrible at this?  I have less than two months before florida.  I need to do this.  I really need to. 

I just can't eat.  Like at all.  I really need to regain my self control.  Ever since christmas break I have just been so horrible.  I lost twenty pounds, and I haven't lost anymore since then.  I suck.  Ugh.  Like, I'm so fat and disgusting.  I hate me and my life.  I'm going to be thin.  I have to be.

Starve on,
Lacie.