Discipline is remembering what you want.

Monday, March 15, 2010

So I'm a Mess

I practically pushed Ana out the door with the way I have been eating.  I'm pretty much pathetic, and now I'm such a mess.  Its been months since I've taken this seriously, and I don't know why.  So right now is my new beginning.  I'm going to pretend I'm just staring, because I lost more weight that way.  I'm going to begin posting every day to every other day on here again like I always used to.  I'm going to do this right again.

I'm going online looking around like I did when I first began.  I'm reading all your blogs and I'm looking through pro ana sites like crazy.  I have to get some kind of motivation back, some kind of inspiration.  I'm apologizing to myself for letting this get away from me and ignoring the scale in my bathroom.  I can't let this get away.  I know that I have the strength.  I've lost weight before, I can do it again.  I don't need food.  I really don't.

Today is beginning a fast.  Its past 12 am, and I'm not going to eat until Tuesday night.  When that comes I'm going to eat soup.  It'll only be 140 calories.  Until then I'm not going to let any calories slip in.  None, I'm not even putting the usual tiny five calorie drop of half and half in my coffee.  I'm going to get back on track, the way I should be.

I am meant to be thin.  I just know it.  My goal weight right now is still 100.  But before that I need to get to 125.  I'm 135 right now, So once I get to 130, then I'll be closer.  I'm begging to get back to this.  I don't want to be fat anymore.  I don't want it.  I want thin, Its all that matters to me.  I promise I won't abondon Ana again, I'm so sorry to myself and to her.  I'm back for good, I promise.  I need to be hungry.


Thursday, March 11, 2010


I haven't been posting lately because I'm just so sad all the time, and since I'm sad, I haven't been eating a normal amount. I have been eating far too much. I need to stop. I have a little over two weeks before florida, and I want to be 125 by the time I leave. I think I can do it.

Softball started so I get the right amount of exercise, plus I get some muscle from it. Thats good. I am really going to go back to restricting what I eat again. I need to work hard for this. I want it, because I have to start wearing bathing suits soon, and I'm way too embarassed. I'm just so nasty and fat.

I have had 300 calories today so far. I had oatmeal for breakfast (100) and I had a raisin bagel for lunch (200). I am not going to eat until after softball, and that will be soup which is going to be 120 calories. That means that my total will be below 500...Thankgod. I won't let myself eat anything more after that, I swear.

Wish me luck!

Starve on,