Neglect

I've been neglecting my posting lately because I have just been doing so horribly ):  Like I've been signing on, I just haven't posted lately because I feel like I don't belong right now, because I've just been such a fraud.  Today was a little better than I have been, but nothing special.  I keep staying between 130 and 135, just up and down and up and down, never below.  Tomorrows beginning a new school week though, and I'm gonna work really hard.  I need to lost some weight, atleast five more pounds. Pleaseee ): 

Starve on,
Lacie.

Bad and Good

So today was good and bad.  The bad was that I ate a lot and like lost count of my calories.  The good was that I burned over 1000 calories on the treadmill.  I'm working out my eating for tomorrow right now.

Breakfast: 1 apple (80)
Lunch: 1 apple (80)
Dinner: 2 egg whites with ketchup (41)
Snack: granola bar (100)

Total: 301

Calories to be burnt on treadmill: 600 - 1000

Goodluck to meeee, and all of you (:

Starve on,
Lacie.

Lent?

Oh yeah, and I'm giving up meat and bread for lent.  I don't need it anyway. 

SOS - please help me girls ):

I am seriously the most pathetic girl you will ever meet.  I'm disgusting, and an embarrassment.  I'm surprised Ana hasn't just left me all together.  I have just been doing so horribly.  Its been far too long since I've really restricted for a good amount of time.  I don't want anymore days where I just eat regular, or binge.  Like, even if I'm not binging and I'm just eating regular, I still feel awful about it.  Then I never get time to run! I'm so pathetic.

I need serious help.  I just need to be thin.  I have one month and thirteen days to lose as much weight as possible.  I need all of your help pleasee.  Like I'm begging.  Just any kind of tips you have, any filling foods that are low in calories you can think of, any kind of special exercises or things to think about so I won't eat.  Anything special that you may do that helps you a lot, please just help.  I'm so happy to have you all here to talk to...and now I'm just begging for your help.  I need this.  I promise that if you help me, I will somehow repay you.  I just need help...I'm desperate ):

I really hope that some of you will comment tips and stuff, I just really need it.  Anything that could help me lose this horrible weight.  You girls are all so strong and amazing.  I need you now more than ever.  Please.  Thankyou so much if you help...I promise I will comment you back if you help me.  I'll leave it on your posts, so you can see it without having to come back to my bloggg.  Thankyou so muchhh.

Help me,
Lacie.

Not so horrible

Today wasn't that bad.  I'm pretty sure I took in no more than 700 calories, maybe less.  I had to go out with my best friend to dinner at chillies...which was difficult but I have this menu thing on my iphone that tells me calories in meals at restaraunts and didn't end up having too many calories there.  700 is an estimate for the day, I didn't even eat any apples because I wasn't hungry earlierrrr ha.  But anyway, then I burned off about 550 on the treadmill.  So I finished the day with 150, which isn't so bad.  Tomorrow, I am allowing myself one apple in school, and water.  Thats it, nothing else.  I need to be really strong for myself, so I'm working extra hard.  I also plan to burn some calories on the treadmill again.  Or maybe I'll go outside for a run if it isnt' ridiculously cold.

I hate winter so much.  I am always cold, and I can't run outside.  I just want to run in ridiculously hot weather, like 85 degrees.  I can't wait til summer.  And I also can't wait until april when me and my best friend go to florida...I plan to run a lot there.  I wanna sweat out all my horrible calories.  I just have to remember to bring my running shorts and stuff. 

Tomorrow though if its good temperature maybe I can go outside.  You burn more calories when you're actually running, so I've been told, so I'm totally down for that.  I have to lose soon.  I've been stuck at 130 forever.  I've just been way too weak.  I need to be strong.  Really strong.

I want to look good for florida, and right now my legs aren't in such good shape ): If anybody knows any really good exercises, like other than running, that are good for thinning down legs, please helppp.  I have to wear bathing suits in less than two months!  I'm terrified.  I'm not ready for people to look at me yet.  I'm transforming, and I don't want to reveal myself that way until I'm complete.  Does anyone else feel that way?  I feel like that all the time.

I'm going to make this all better.  I know that I can.  I can do anything that I set my mind to; no one will stop me.  I've found lately that writing helps me and keeps me busy the same way that photography does.  But when I can't take pictures or something, I can write, so its convenient in that kind of situation.  Plus you've probably seen some of my weird writing on here haha.  I wrote something today but I'm not putting it on hereee.

Anyway, good luck to all of youuu, be beautifulll (:

Starve on,
Lacie.

Fraud

I feel like such a fraud sometimes.  Like, I already know that I'm not considered anorexic, I'm like EDNOS, because I'm not underweight yet.  But even with that, when I eat, I feel like such a fake.  I want this so bad.  I need this.  I just need to try harder.

I didn't really do so bad today.  I don't think so atleast.  I didn't have more than 500 calories, I'm almost positive.  Tomorrow I am starting a new fast.  Its called water and apples, haha.  I'm allowed two apples a day, and only water (and my usual morning zero calorie coffee).  Its a good fast for me because I loveeee apples, and they're free at schoool.  I'm really hoping it goes well.  I need to do this fast until saturday.  I need to.  I know I can do it.  I just have to control myself.

Wish me luckkk.

Starve on,
Lacie.

Oh lacie where have you been?

God I really suck.  I just can't do this right.  I need to be skinny.  I'm not eating tomorrow.  I can't eat.  I don't want to!  I hate food so much and I have been eating like a damn pig lately, and its just not funny!  Its not okay!  Why am I so horrible at this?  I have less than two months before florida.  I need to do this.  I really need to. 

I just can't eat.  Like at all.  I really need to regain my self control.  Ever since christmas break I have just been so horrible.  I lost twenty pounds, and I haven't lost anymore since then.  I suck.  Ugh.  Like, I'm so fat and disgusting.  I hate me and my life.  I'm going to be thin.  I have to be.

Starve on,
Lacie.

Why us?

I wish this wasn't so hard.
So many girls don't have to try.
They are beautiful and thin.
They don't work as hard as we do.

All of us struggle.
We stare at our empty plates.
Yet she eats mcdonalds.
And buys a bikini the next day.

We stare in the mirror.
And we pinch at our tummies.
Too much is there.
Why is she so lucky?

What made them better than us?
Why did they deserve to be thin more than us?
They don't even know what they have,
Those girls who are perfect.

They don't realize that girls like you and me,
We kill for their body.
We work so hard.
We starve, and purge, and starve.

Yet we always feel the same.
Bones reveal themselves,
And the number on the scale decreases,
But its never enough.

We strive to be better.
We strive to be thin.
We strive to be beautiful.
We strive for perfection.

When will we ever be enough
For ourselves, and for everyone else?
When?
When will we be perfect?

Why us?
Why are we the unfortunate ones?
Why do we have to try so hard?
Why didn't we deserve to be beautiful too?

They're so lucky.
They're so pretty.
They're so thin.
They're who we want to be.

But it will never be enough.

Thankyou guys so much for all your supportttt (:

I have been commenting back but I don't really know if anyone knows when we comment back unless they like check againnnn, so I'm just gonna say thank you here to everyone who had ever commented on my postsss.  You guys are so sweet, and very helpfulllll.  I love you all to death, and if you weren't here, I'm prettty sure I would have died by now from loneliness, thank god for the internet right? (:

Today didn't end up so bad.  But tomorrow will be better.  I wanna plan out what I'm gonna eat all day.  I'm gonna do it now actually.

Breakfast: 3 egg whites (51) + Coffee [black w/ splenda] (<1)
Lunch: Apple (80) [more of less depending on its size]
Dinner: Light progresso soup (140) [max. if I finish the whole can]
TOTAL: 271
Snacks that are allowed:
     -Pickle half (10)
     -Rice cake (35)
     -10 baby carrots (20)
     -Diet soda (0)
Only two snacks allowed all day, combination must add up 35 or less.  No more than 35 calories in snacks allowed.

Good luck to me tomorrrrow, and all of youuu (:

Starve on,
Lacie.

Okay.

So today is good so far. I've only eaten an apple (80), ten baby carrots (20), and a cinnamon raisin bagel (190). So I'm at 290 for the day. Thats not so bad I guess, not to mention the apple and the carrots are supposed to be negetive calories, so they'll go away.

I have track today also, so I'll burn all that off and more. I'm not sure yet what I want to eat for dinner...it needs to be something low in calories. The most I will allow today is 400 calories, and I don't even want that. I'll either have oatmeal, some kind of low calorie soup, and orange, salad, or maybe dry toast.

I really hope there is no binge tonight. I am working so hard. I just need to be thin soon. I have like two months until I go to florida, so I have to lose this ugly weight that takes over. I will make it disappear. I swear.

Starve on,
Lacie.

I wasn't even hungry

Each bite hurts,
My stomach expands.
I know I'm not hungry,
Temptation I can't stand.

I don't need to eat,
I do not need food.
Not like the rest of them,
It makes my belly protrude.

Binging hurts,
It makes me cry.
I don't want that food,
I don't need it to get by.

I'm ugly and gross,
And my tummy's in pain.
I need to be empty,
I need to not gain.

I want double digits,
I want nothing more.
I will feel much better,
Wearing thin to the core.

Please Ana help me,
Save me from myself.
Help me ignore hunger,
And leave the food on the shelf.

I will be skinny,
Then I won't cry.
I will be skinny,
Or else I will die.

Starve on,
Lacie.

Hating life, one small bite at a time.

I just need to be thin.  Thats the only thing that can describe what I'm feeling like right now.  I just want it now.  I'm so bored of all this waiting, I work so hard.  I need to lose this ugly fat that is consumes my body.  I hate food so much.  I just want to be happy.  Ugh!

Starve on,
Lacie.

Dying to be thinnnn.

I just want to be skinny so badddd.  I'm working so hard.  I haven't eaten barely at all todayy.  I had the cinnamon raisin bagel I mentioned earlier (190), and then I had some of my moms chicken and rice (only a tiny bit) because she wanted me to.  I don't think that was that much.  I also ran today.

I don't think I'm going to eat at all tomorrow though, because I'm not running because I'm missing trackk.  And if I do eat...It will be 200 calories or less, and then I plan to burn that off on the treadmill (just like walking or something).

I really really need to be thinnnn.  I just want it so bad.  Thats why I'm really concentrating now and working hard to not eat and to exercise and stuff.  I've learned that hunger is my body's way of saying "good job, you didn't need that anyway."

I wish this wasn't so hard though /:  Being thin comes so easy for so many girls.  They don't do anything, and they look perfect.  Thats not fair.  I think god should have made it fair and given everybody the same metabolism and the same starting body.  Then everyone could be equal and no one would get a free ride.  We'd either all have to work hard to look beauty, or we'd all just be naturally skinny and perfect.

I will not eat the rest of tonight.  I promise myself that.  I am 132 right now.  I think that by tomorrow night (if I don't eat at all tomorrow)  I could get down to 130.  I really hope so.  Or atleast closer to that.  I want to be 125 so bad.  I think as soon as I reach that number...I will feel like I can reach any number.

I will be skinny...I have to be.  I'd rather die than be fat anymoree.

Starve on,
Lacie.

hiiii (:

Everythings going pretty welllll.  I anticipate that I will definitely be 125 by atleast the 20th...maybe sooner!  I'm feeling just so strong latelyyy.  I had 195 calories today because I had a small cinnamon raisin bagel in school, then I burned it off at track.  I'm deciding whether I should have a few bites of dinner, because my mom just called me for it.  The thing is...I just drank my favorite zero calorie drink (coffee, black with 0 calorie sweetener) and I'm not hungry.  Maybe I'll have a little dinner later.  I dunno though.  I'm most likely going to come post again later tonighttt, so bye byeee (:

Starve on,
Lacie.

Really good day.

My body is just being so weird lately!  I was like 135 yesterday right?  And now this morning I was about 132, and now I weighed myself again after school and track and not eating all day, and I weighed 130!  I hope its not like a trick decrease because I really think I could get down to 125 at this rate...and soon! 

I am doing really well today.  I've only had 90 calories total which was a granola bar that I ate right before track for some energy.  I didn't even taste it, thats how in the zone I was today about  not eating haha.  I just needed some energy, and since I am 130 again I guess it wasn't thaaat bad of an idea.

I might post another one tonight.  I'm not sure though.  Pray for me not to binge tonight you guys!  I really need to be on a good schedule.  Today is perfect because its the beginning of a new month, and a new semester in school.  I am so ready.  I have two months until I go to Florida with my best friend.  I think I'm gonna be able to do this.  I want to be at least 110 when we go.  I feel like I'd feel so much better in a swim suit.  Wish me luckkkk!

Starve on,
Lacie.