Discipline is remembering what you want.

Thursday, December 31, 2009


Made by me.

New Years Fast

What a terrible, terrible day so far.  I was planning to fast until tonight, but i didn't do so well.  I ended up eating, and i know it was no more than 500 calories, maybe less...but it still makes me feel awful.  I'm not planning to eat at all tonight, and then tomorrow on the new year, the first day of 2010, i will be starting my new years fast.

I'm going to fast tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday.  On Monday i'm going to eat my usual weekday breakfast, which is two egg whites with ketchup or salsa (39), because i have a track meet that afternoon which i'm running in i'm pretty sure.  On Sunday night i'll post my schedule for the week, I"m not completely sure yet.

I know that i can have fun tonight with my friends without eating.  We'll be baking cookies and theres gonna be brownies and chips though, so i'm going to really have to try.  I'm begging you Ana to help me.  Its all i need, is the will power to not put anything but water and coke zero in my mouth tonight.  I know i will do well.  I will not break down.

Now that i'm finally to 130 pounds, my new goal is 125.  I want to be 125 by Sunday, January 10th.  I am going to do really strict dieting the coming week so that i can reach that goal.  I cannot wait until i am below 120, i'm going to start to feel so much better.

Anyway, wish me luck on my new years fast!  I"m hoping that everything will go smoothly.  No more eating today, and everything will be okay.

Starve on,

Made by me

130 !

As of today, i am officially 130 pounds! I was so excited i could hardly contain myself!  I can finally set my new goal, which is what i have been waiting for.  I'm happy i got to 130 for new years.  But i'm scared of new years tomorrow.

I'm having my friends sleepover for the whole new years eve thing and we are going to have junkfood.  I'm not eating all day tomorrow, and i am going to resist as best as i can tomorrow night.  I think i will do better than i anticipate.  I hope so atleast. 

My two day fast went really well.  I didn't eat anything until 12pm tonight.  Then i ate some fruit and a couple other things.  Nothing to worry about since after tomorrow night, or maybe even including it...the rest of my break is a fast.  I'm not planning to eat at all.  Its just better that way.

Anyway, i still am missing justin a lot.  And i am getting really upset with my boyfriend, he's not very good at being my boyfriend.  Do you believe that he didn't talk to me since sunday, and then i finally texted him tonight to see what was up.  He just sucks at being my boyfriend.  Justin was such a good boyfriend and i miss him being my boyfriend because i love him so much and he always made me happy and always made me smile.  He talked to me all the time and i always felt like he really wanted to too, you know?  I miss that.  I miss having a good older boyfriend.  He was just so much better at it. 

Starve on,

Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Made by me.

Today was very good.  I didn't eat anything, i followed my schedule and i'm so happy.  I didn't have as much water as i should have, so i figure i'll drink that tomorrow after i weigh myself, before track practice.  I'm happy, yet not happy about track.  I want to run, so that i can burn calories and be skinny, but i do not want to run at nine am.  I want to run later haha.  Thats just too early for my winter break.  Whatever though i guess i'll deal with it.

I saw my ex boyfriend justin today...i miss him so much.  Its so unbelievably complicated between us...but i love him, and he loves me.  Its terrible to say, because i have my boyfriend.  But things will just never be the same with anyone else.  I will always love justin the most.  Every other guy will always be second best, and that makes me so sad to think that i will never feel the way i feel about justin for anyone else.  I want to only feel it for justin, but i cannot because we aren't together.  I want to be able to have that amazing feeling for someone else, but its impossible.  It will never happen again for me.  I miss him so much.

He's part of the reason i stopped eating.  When we first broke up, Mia was my friend.  I used to throw up all the time.  I used to think of it as punishment, for not being good enough.  I used to tell myself that i deserved to be in pain, and uncomfortable and sick.  Then i stopped doing that...just because it hurt too much.  After a couple months though, i realized that if i wasn't good enough, why not make myself good enough?  I used to think that if i was skinny, that he'd want to be with me again.  I know thats not right now, things are way more complicated than that.

Now, i do this for me, and so many other reasons too.  Once i got good at it, and i started running, and i started losing weight, i started feeling better.  Everytime i reach a goal weight, i feel like i can do anything.  I feel amazing.  And when i'm so skinny that justin can feel my spine under my shirt, and my ribs when he hugs me...maybe he'll come back.

He knows about it though now.  I never planned on him knowing, but he found out accidentally.  One of the texts that i was sending to my friend ant, the one who talks to me about it, i accidentally sent it to justin and so he asked.  And i cannot lie to him, i just can't.  So i told him, and he told me it was terrible, and that 150 calories a day wasn't a proper diet and that i needed to talk to somebody.  I don't want to ever talk to someone.  He just ignores it now.  He'll never talk about it.  He knows i don't eat, he knows how i starve myself and he doesn't talk about it to avoid confrontation.  Good, i don't want to talk about it with him.  He'll only see the benefits of it, he doesn't need to see what it takes to get there.  Thats for me to endure and no one else to know about.

Such a long entry today, i just had a lot on my mind.  I have to go to bed though soon because of my early morning track practice, so wish me luck with my fasting tomorrow.  Goodnighttt.

Starve on,

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

My own thinspiration for the week.
I made this all by myself (:
Today was fine.  I got a little drunk earlier though so i might have eaten some bad stuff, i don't remember well but i think it was just a small slice of pizza and some bread.  I don't know why i ate.  It sucks but whatever, there was nothing i could do.  I'm fasting completely tomorrow, and maybe the next day too.  I'm just really upset lately and i don't want to eat.  I'm hoping tomorrow will be a good day.  Maybe i'll see someone worth seeing. 

Tomorrow's eating schedule:

Stay strong, starve on,

Monday, December 28, 2009

Today would have been perfect if i wasn't forced to go out to stupid dinner.  I had a fruit bowl, and i know thats not so bad but i really wanted today to be a complete fast.  I had to go though, my parents wouldn't let me refuse.  That makes me mad.  I don't need other people getting in the way of me being thin.  I don't need that at all.  I wanna do this and not have anybody interfere.  From now on, on here i am going to plan out what i am eating the next day.  I will not let myself stray from it.  I have a track meet tomorrow, but i am not running.  I just go and watch.  Whatever. 

After the whole christmas binge, i lost weight.  Thats crazy.  I ate so much food, and i went down two pounds!  What the f*ck right?!  Whatever, i'm going right back to my normal schedule of 150 and below.  I would try the ABC diet that so many like so much, but i don't think i could bring myself to consume more than 200 calories a day, i would just feel so bad about it.  Maybe i'll make my own special diet.  I don't know, i'll think of something.

Tomorrow's eating schedule:
Breakfast- two egg whites with salsa (39)
Lunch- half an apple (22)
Dinner- half an apple (22) + half pickle (10)

Okay i'm going to follow that exactly, no cheating i promise.  Nightttt.

Stay strong, starve on,

Sunday, December 27, 2009


I'm so lonely lately.  I feel like if i had a friend who was just like me, then this would be so much easier.  Like i wish i had an Ana-buddy.  I wish that somebody read my blog so then they'd see that i need help.  I just want someone who understands who will always be there to talk to, so i could like text them or something.  I just feel like i'm alone in all this, even though i know there are so many more girls like me.  I wish i could connect with one of them.  I just need help, someone to push me along, and i could help them too.

Today was bad.  I didn't do well at all and i don't really want to talk about it.  The good news is that i haven't gained any weight from the christmas rush.  That was such a shock.  I need to really get back in the swing of things though.  I'm just doing so badly at calorie counting.  I've changed my mind and decided to go back to a food journal, but i'm going to do it a little differently than i was before.  I hope it helps.

Tomorrow i don't think i'm going to eat.  Its like i would eat 100 calories a day, but as soon as i eat one thing, i wanna eat EVERYTHING!  And its like i have no control anymore.  I feel best when i don't eat at all, or eat like negetive calorie things.  I might eat an apple tomorrow, and then i'll just have water or zero calorie sodas.  I think that would be best.  I usually have trouble decideing WHEN to eat the one apple though.  Like, i like to feel hungry, so maybe i just won't eat it at all.  I don't know, whatever.  I'm going to figure it out.

I really just need someone.  I hope that maybe someone will read this, and they'll see that i need help.  I just want a friend that can help me and that i can help.  I need someone really bad ):

Stay strong, starve on,

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Dear Ana,
I am so sorry for the last two days.  I was so awful to you.  I ignored you and acted like you didn't exist.  I ate everything in the world and i didn't let you talk me out of it.  I haven't even exercised because i've been so busy with Christmas and all.  That was my downfall.  It was like...COOKIE RUSH! all week.  It was like all my will power and self control were just gone.  I'm going to fix this.  Christmas is over now, and i'm going to control myself again.  I'm going to control my weight.  I don't know exactly what i weigh right now because i'm too scared to step on the scale.  But my new goal is to be 130 by new years.  If i do better than that then i'll be happy.  I just don't wanna set my goals too low again.  Its too much of a let down when i don't reach them, and i figure it would feel amazing if i did better than my goal...so thats my plan.  I don't think i'm going to keep my food diary anymore...i just don't feel like it.  I remember everything i eat and the calorie count anyway, so theres no point.  I'll probably just write the stuff down on here.  For the next couple of days i am doing a 50 calorie fast.  I am going to live to it too.  I'll probably get the 50 calories in one meal, unless i split them up between a couple.  I don't know though, that could be difficult.  I might just eat like, egg whites with ketchup because thats only 41 calories.  Then i could have a 5 calorie jello if i feel like it, and i'd be at 46 calories.  Then i could just be done for the day.  My new best friends are sprite zero and cherry coke zero.  I love them.  I love you too Ana...and i'm still so sorry about all this horrible food i've shoved at you.  No more, i promise.  I will be 130 by new years, maybe less.  I need you around, i honestly don't think i could live without you anymore, you're too much a part of me and i love you.  I hate that i made you feel awful over the holidays, i won't do it again.  Things will be better from now on.  I will exercise everyday, 30 - 60 minutes on the treadmill.  I'll show you that i love you and won't ever leave you.  I promise you that.  Other than my horrible eating habbits, Christmas was good.  I got a nice new digital nikon L100 camera, so i'm hoping that will be a good distraction for me now.  I'm going to take some amazing pictures, i'll post some on here.  Anyway, its about bed time, so goodnight Ana.
Sincerely sorry,

I took this with my new camera...Sprite Zero <3

Monday, December 21, 2009

RIP Brittany Murphy

RIP Brittany Murphy
November 10, 1977 - December 20, 2009

My two day fast tomorrow is dedicated to Brittany Murphy,
she'll be in my mind the entire time.


My own weakness disgusts me.  I fasted from yesterday all the way to tonight, then i exercised and burned five hundred calories, then i ate food and felt so ridiculously guilty.  All my hard work just to eat.  I'm down to 133 right now, but i imagine it might go up because i weighed myself before i ate like 200 calories, probably more.  I usually don't eat that much in one day! How awful. 

Tomorrow i am beginning another two day fast, i'm pretty good at it until the next night.  I'm going to plan it though, right here.  I will not eat tomorrow, or the next day.  But that night, the night after tomorrow night, i will allow myself 50 calories (probably cup a soup).  That will work.  I have track tomorrow so i'm hoping i run off everything that i ate tonight (two small chocolate chip cookies with no chocolate chips, and a piece of my 70 calorie wheat bread with jelly).  Ugh, i'm embarassed at that.  Disgusting. 

I love christmas, but i hate it too.  All the sweets and stuff that my mom keeps making are killing me !  And on the 23rd i'm going to a christmas party with my friends and i know that there will be so much there, i don't know what i'll do.  I pray that Ana will give me more strength than usual for that. 

I'm excited though about tomorrow, to start all over with a clean slate.

I've learned to never blame Ana.  I was going to blame her for tonight, but then i realized; Ana does not let me down, i let myself down.  I screw myself over when i ignore her.  She tells me not to eat it, but i let my stomach take over.  I won't do it anymore. 

I love Ana for helping me, i've lost almost 20 pounds total in the last month or so.  I'm going to start losing faster now that i'm better at fasting.  I really hope i get to 125 by christmas, i really really really hope so.  I refuse to let myself or Ana down.

Stay strong, starve on,

My very first fast

I did really well today.  I didn't eat anything, all i had was some tea, with nothing in it so thats still zero.  I'm so happy with myself and how well i did, i'm thinking about trying to continue this fast all the way until tomorrow night.  Maybe longer.  I'm off of school because of all the snow, so thats good.  I'm glad, i really wasn't in the mood for school.  The only thing that sucks about that is that now i don't get to go to track and i'm going to have to run on the treadmill, and i hate the treadmill so much.  It just takes forever.

I really hope that i reach atleast close to 125 before christmas.  I don't know what i'm going to do on christmas though, its taken all the will power in the world to avoid the cookies in my house, but on christmas i'm going to a family party and there is going to be so much food.  There is no way i will be able to do this.  I don't want christmas to be an exception, i really don't, but it might end up being one.  Christmas eve too, i'll probably gain like five pounds between the two days! Ana please save me.  Give me strength to withstand the holiday food.  Please.

Anyway, i'm super tired, so i'm going to sleep.  Goodnight Ana.

Stay strong, starve on,

Thursday, December 17, 2009

breaking down

I've just had this horrible feeling like i'm about to cry all the time lately.  I always fail!  Its awful.  I eat too much, i'm so fat.  Its like food is rebelling against me and just showing up everywhere, trying to ruin me.  Food wants me to be fat.  Its my enemy and i hate it.  I hate food, i hate my body.  I just want to be skinny.  Everyday i say that tomorrow will be better, well tomorrow WILL be better.  I swear on my mother's life.  I won't fuck up like i have been for that past couple of days.

I plan my days now, as of tonight.  I planned tomorrow all out, i'm going to eat two egg whites for breakfast with salsa (39) and nothing for lunch, then for dinner i will eat something 50 calories or below.  I might just make some of my low calorie chicken broth, its only like 10 calories per cup, so i can have like a cup of it and be fine.  I am going to be 125 by christmas, i swear.  I need to be.

My two best friends want to go out for pizza tomorrow, i don't know what i'm going to do.  I have to go, but i don't have to eat anything.  I'm begging to have the strength to not eat the pizza, not eat any of it.  I'll bring some coke zero and i'll just drink that the whole time.  I'll be strong.  I know i can be strong.  Ana, cling to me tomorrow night and don't let me eat any of that pizza, i'm begging you to help me.  I know i can do it with your help.

I don't need food.  Food is against me.  All the people that want me to eat are against me, they all want me to be fat.  The wind that slows me down when i run wants me to be fat.  My aching feet want me to be fat.  My hunger wants me to be fat.  My friends want me to be fat, my family too.  Everybody that says what i do is wrong or disgusting or unhealthy is jealous of my will power and my self control, none of them want me to be thin and happy.  My head wants me to be thin.  My heart wants me to be thin.  They tell me not to eat, they beg me not to eat.  Some days my stomach wins, but from now on, my head and my heart will win.  Its two against a million, a million things and people that want me to be fat forever.  They will come out alive, they will win.  They will help me to be strong.  Hold my by the hair if you must Ana, but don't let me go.  Teach me everything, teach me your strength and your will power.  I want to learn.  Teach me everything.  Show me the way to thin, to perfect.  I will be thin, i will be right.  Nothing and no one will stop me from getting what it is that i want.  I want to be thin and no one will stop me.  I refuse to live the way that i look, i would rather die than be fat any longer.  Tomorrow will always be a new day.  Be strong, don't faulter.  I don't need food.  I don't need food, food needs me.  Food brings me into it with a sweet smile, then it betrays me.  Hunger won't betray me the way food does.  Eating makes me unhappy all the time.  Not eating makes me unhappy at the moment, but happy later.  I'd rather be happy sometimes, so i will continue to starve.  I don't want to be saved.  I want to be thin.

Stay strong, starve on,

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I'm so fat and ugly...i hate myself so much. I just want all this ugliness to go away so that i can be the beautiful, thin girl that i know waits inside to come out. I'm going to be thin. I don't care.

NO MORE SLIPS, AND NO MORE BINGES. I refuse to eat anything right now. I just got done throwing up and my throat hurts so bad from shoving my tooth brush so far down there. I hate my life! I seriously just wish i was somebody else; somebody thin and beautiful and amazing and happy. i wish i just didn't have to work hard at this stupid thing.

I'm going to weigh 125 by christmas. I swear i will.

Tomorrow i will not be eating breakfast no matter what my stomach tries to tell me. I might eat something for lunch like carrots or some kind of vegetable, but thats it. Then i have a track meet, and then i have a band concert at school, i should be completely busy and distracted.

I will not have another slip up this whole week, i promise myself that. And i will not let this coming weekend get the better of me, the way the last one did and tonight has. I refuse to. I will be thin, no matter what it takes.

Below a hundred calories tomorrow, i swear to it.

I hate food,

Monday, December 14, 2009

Today was very good. I had only 104 calories, and i plan to keep it to 100 or below tomorrow. I feel better after my horrible weekend now because i ran four or five miles today, and i didn't barely eat. I didn't have dinner, but i had my usual two egg whites with salsa in the morning (39) and then at lunch i ate a half of a hollowed out bagel, which after some caloric math, i estimated to be about 65 calories. And i just had one cherry tomato, just to taste something. So my total was very good. It was a very good day for me.

Its something about mondays, they're just like a fresh start and i always do well on mondays. Now i try to see it as each new day being a new start, and i hope that works for me. Like tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day and i'm going to do well. I'm thinking about skipping breakfast, but i cannot decide. I may make it smaller by only using one egg white instead, and then just bring some negetive calorie vegetable with me for lunch, like a couple pieces of carrot or celery or zuchinni or cherry tomatoes. I don't really know yet, i guess i'll decide tomorrow morning.

I've found that when i try to really plan what i'm going to eat exactly, that i do much better. Kind of like i have a checklist of what i'm eating that day, and once i've checked everything off, then i'm done and everythings okay. I don't know if i'm going to weigh myself tomorrow either, i might wait until wednesday, because i feel like it would be a better feeling if i anticipated it more. I think it will, but i might cheat and weigh myself anyway tomorrow. Its just so hard to keep away from the scale.

I also did really well with distractions today, like watching a movie or reading or something. I did really good, i finished the rest of Dear John, which was probably the saddest book i have ever read in my whole life. You have to read this book, i can't even describe it to you. Seriously though, go to the closest library or barnes&noble and get it and read it. It will distract you majorly, and make you cry. Its a movie now too, i'm not sure when its coming out but i am without a doubt going to see it. I'm excited, but i know that i will cry!

Its getting colder out. I'm always cold, like you can't even believe it...well maybe you can. Its ridiculous! I'm all bundled up in my winter coat and i'm freezing still. I can't believe its still going to get colder here! I have no idea what i'm going to do when it does, i may not make it to the end of the winter haha. I told my mom that the other day and she laughed. Its just so ridiculously cold out and i am beginning to not be able to handle it! I miss the summertime when it was so hot, and i can't wait until i go to florida again with my best friend carly. Its always so hot and humid there, i know i'll be comfortable.

I'm going to go to bed now, because i need some more sleep. I went to bed late last night and i was pretty tired today, so i'm gonna go. Bye bye.

Stay strong, starve on,

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Dear Ana,

I'm so sorry. I've let you down horribly all weekend. I will never let this happen again. Tomorrow starts a whole new week and i will start all over with not eating and exercising. I promise. I am going to fix what i got us into. I have to remember that you and me, we're partners, and i didn't consider you enough this weekend. I will work twice as hard from now on to not eat, and i will exercise and i will do much better. I won't let you down again. Today was horrible, and i realized that when i ignore you, it only makes things worse. So i will never ignore you again. I finally got a little better at making myself throw up too, so we'll always have that as a backup in case we get really off track again. I'm sorry. I hate myself for what i put you through this weekend, and i hate myself for everything i ate. I will not hurt us again. You've been good to me, and now i was awful to you. I will make it up to you, i swear. Goodnight.

Starve on,

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Today was the worst day ever. I hate my life so much right now. I feel so disgusting! It was a total binge day from last night all the way until now. I hate food and i never want to eat again. I'm going for a run tomorrow morning, i'm going to fix this. I'm too scared to look at the scale, its gonna be like, five pounds higher, oh my god i wanna cry. I need to throw up but it doesn' work! I'm such a fatass, i can't believe how much i ate. I have not control, i have nothing. Tomorrow i will not let myself eat anything, nothing. I'm going to find something to do that will distract me from food. I will, i swear. I hate my life. I hate food.

i hate food,

Help me

So i'm not so good at fasting, atleast not today. I did so horribly last night when i was with my friends, i ate too much and i was sure that i would have gained weight. When i got home i weighed myself and i was still the same...that was fine. But today has been bad too. I feel like i just can't stop eating. I just finished trying to throw up for the first time. I need help though.

I guess maybe i just am doing it wrong, but i stuck a toothbrush down my throat and moved it around for a little and not only did it take forever, but i only threw up a tiny bit. Not enough to make me feel right. Please help me, i wanna have this backup when i need it. Could someone tell me what i'm doing wrong?

I'm not going to eat for the rest of the night, i need to learn how to fast better and i need to control my head. Thats like the only reason i have been eating so much! Its like my mind just turned off for last night and today, i need to start to control myself.

On monday i'm going to try the 50 calorie fast again, because its easier to do when i have school. I'll try to make it last atleast until tuesday night. Or maybe i'll just start only eating like 50 calories on weekdays. Usually i do 150 or less, but i think i could do 50 or 50 - 100. If i get my self control back!

I hope everything turns out okay. I'm just so scared of that number on the scale going up! Staying at the same one for a while is bad enough, but it moving up would just be so horribly degrading. I will not let it happen. I just have to get my mind set back. Anyway, i'm gonna keep this short because i might post more later tonight.

Stay strong, starve on,

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I love safe foods!

I love jello! Its officially one of my safe foods. I have some safe foods that i can eat sometimes, and i'm so happy they aren't high in calories at all.

My safe foods:
sugar free jello- 10 calories a serving
two egg whites with a tiny bit of ketchup- 41 calories total
quarter of a pickle- 5 calories
unsweetened iced tea with lemon and 0 calories sweetener- 0 calories
diet coke (only on occasion)- 0 calories
flavored aquafina water- 0 calories
baby carrots- negetive calories
cooked broccoli, zuchinni, and a mushroom chopped up with salt and pepper- 0 calories because of the negetives
half a six inch banana- about 45 calories
1 apple- negetive calories
celery- negetive calories
cucumbers- negetive calories
zuchinni- negetive calories
mustard- 0 calories

Let me know if you know of any others!

So anyway, i've offically lost 14 pounds. My current weight is about 136, and by the end of sunday, i want it to be 130. I'm doing so well, it makes me feel good when the number on the scale goes down. It makes me not want to eat anymore too, because i actually feel like i'm making some progress. I love it.

I saw justin bieber tonight...live! haha, and owl city and cobra starship and jay sean and the fray. That was pretty amazing, and i did really well at the concert too. I had a couple sips of my friends sprite, and one tortilla chip with salsa on it. I am pretty proud of myself for that. I could have totally pigged out, thankgod i didn't.

I think my brother may have accidentally seen this blog, i'm scared that he may have because i don't want him to tell my parents. I don't want anyone to know in my family because they'll try to make me stop, and i'm getting closer and closer to my goal weight by the day! I will not stop ever, this is what makes me happy. He better keep his mouth shut if he saw this.

I wouldn't have been so happy with myself today if i hadn't found out that i lost more weight, because i ate a little more than usual. I had two egg whites with ketchup for breakfast (41), four baby carrots for lunch (negetive), jello after track (10), the chip and the sprite that i explained earlier (50-100 calories maybe) and jello after the concert (10). So my total today was about 161 calories if i take the high of the soda and chip. I usually have less than that, some days i even get away with just the 41 calories from breakfast. It wasn't so bad today, but it could have been way better.

I'm very pleased with myself lately, my clothes are starting to fit losely, and my jeans fall down a little. Thats one thing i may have a problem with, getting new clothes. My mom may not want to buy me more stuff. My best friend has some size 3 jeans that i might be able to wear soon if i need them, and she has some lower sizes too if i get smaller, which is comforting. I can't wait until i get as thin as i want to be. Its going to be great. I think i'm gonna go to bed soon because i'm starting to feel hungry, and i really don't want to eat anymore today. So goodnightttt.

Stay strong, starve on,

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

If anyones listening...i need help. What i really need is some encouragement. I was doing so well today and then i messed it up. I had two egg whites for breakfast (34) with ketcup (7) which is a total of 41 calories. Then i ate carrots again for lunch which is negetive. Then i ran like, 3 or 4 miles at track, then i came home. I was doing so well at home until like ten, then i started to not feel so good and was so hungry so i cooked broccoli, zuchinni, and some mushrooms in a pan and i just feel so guilty about eating it. I was doing so well. I guess i just really feel alone, and so i don't have somebody to tell me not to eat. I need help. So if anybody's reading this, and wants an ana-buddy, or atleast just someone to talk to, please talk to me. I need it.

Anyway, thats pretty much all today, i'm still just so upset about how i bad i did in the afternoon. I feel like maybe i'll start eating something around dinner time, something small or negetive in calories, every other day. Then i won't get so sick feeling. I run everyday so i don't feel as guilty as i could, but its just that i need to have some energy. I'm trying to keep my diet to a maximum of 150 calories. I can do it i think, that would make my days feel better.

My track coach keeps saying stuff about eating a good diet and carbs and protein and all that stuff, but i can't eat that stuff because its so high in calories. I feel like i don't have the energy that i could have for track, but its a sacrifice i have to make. I can still run, so thats really what matters to me.

I'm finally down to exactly 140, now i'm aiming for 135 and then 130. I'm setting my goals small so it seems like i reach them faster, which i think really helps.

Tomorrow i'm only eating one egg white for breakfast which is 17 calories, and ketchup which will equal up to 24 calories. I have to eat less tomorrow because i am leaving track practice at 3:20 so i won't get as much exercise in. I think that makes sense. I might bring just some of my mom's iced tea for lunch, because when i add lemon and sweetener, its still 0 calories, then i'll have some more energy for track because of the caffiene.

I'm also thinking about investing in some diet mountain dew, haha. I saw on someone's on here that they drink that, and i honestly didn't even know it existed. I love mountain dew, so i figure that would be amazing since i'm guessing its probably 0 calories just like diet coke right? I hope so because i miss soda so much! I haven't had soda in weeks.

My stomach doesn't feel right right now. I'm used to it feeling empty and hungry, but since i had those vegetables it feels too full. I'm not having anything at dinnertime tomorrow because i'll be at a concert tomorrow, thank god. I'm swearing to myself now that i will not eat anything at the concert, or drink anything but water. I'll just keep reminding myself that i don't need it, and that saying yes to food is saying no to thin. And i would never say no to thin.

I'm really tired right now, so i think i'm gonna go to sleep. Sleep has been a big help because when i'm sleeping, i'm not feeling hungry. Also i have been taking bubble baths as well, and they make me not feel so hungry all the time either. Thats what i need, if i just never felt hungry then i would eat so much less. Okay, i'm gonna go.

Stay strong, starve on,
I can't really write much today because i have to go to sleep. This post really goes for December 7. I fell asleep on the couch in the basement and i just woke up now, so i'm like super tired.

I did so good today. I had two egg whites for breakfast (34) and i had a little bit of ketchup with it (7), which adds up to 41 calories. I only had breakfast because i need some energy to run for track. I also ate six baby carrots cut in half at lunch, which is 0 calories because they are negetive. At track i ran about 3 or 4 miles, so i felt fine about what i had to eat. I didn't have anything after that, i've made it all the way til now without having anything to eat. Its the best i've ever done.

I have a food diary now, and i was so happy to see that only 41 calories were comsumed today, and probably way more were burned off when i ran. My goal for tomorrow was to do exactly as i did today, meaning no dinner and no eating after track.

Whenever i think about eating, i just think "Saying 'no thankyou' to food is saying 'yes please' to thin." And thats the perfect thing because it really makes me not want to eat anything. I took a bath today to get my mind off of eating, which worked for a little while.

I'm so tired right now so i think i'm going to leave and go to sleep, i have school tomorrow and i need to wake up at six and be able to run after school, so goodnight.

I will be thin,

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I don't really feel like writing much today.

Tomorrow is when i'm starting my really harsh dieting. Its the beggining of the week, i'm going to be very serious. I've been on google a lot and i've found thinspirational quotes and things to remember to make me not want to eat. I also found this pro ana website that i like, called proanamia.com. I'm going to read the whole thing, and i joined the forum so i can talk to other people like me. I'm gonna put down on this post all that stuff i said i found earlier.


1. You will be FAT if you eat today. Just put it off one more day.
2. You don't NEED food.
3. Fat people can't fit everywhere.
4. Guys will be able to pick you up without struggling.
5. You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight holding you back.
6. People will remember you as the 'beautiful thin one.'
7. If someone has to describe you, they'll say, 'oh, she weighs like 100, 110 lbs.'
8. Guys will want to get to know you, not laugh at you and walk away.
9. Starving is an example of excellent willpower.
10. You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
11. Bones are clean and pure. Fat is dirty and hangs on your bones like a parasite.
12. If you eat, you'll look like those disgusting, fat, ghetto and trailer-trash hookers on Jerry Springer.
13. The models that everyone claim are beautiful, the spitting image of perfection, are any of them fat? ... NO....
14. Too many people in America are obese.
15. People who eat are selfish and unrealistic.
16. Only fat people are attracted to fat people. Do you want pigs to like you because you are one of them?
17. Anyone can have 'inner beauty,' but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
18. You'll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
19. Only thin people are graceful.
20. If you slap a fat person, you can see a shockwave ripple over their skin. That's disgusting.
21. Do you want people to say, 'For god's sake get off of me, you're crushing me; I can't breathe!' or 'You are soo light.' ????
22. Underweight, a.k.a. perfect body.
23. Ballerina? Or beanbag?
24. Would you rather carry a feather or a weight?
25. I want to walk in the snow and leave no footprints.
26. Starve off the parts you don't need. They're ugly and drag you down.
27. Nothing can't be fixed with hunger and weightloss.
28. Saying 'No, thanks,' to food is saying 'Yes, please,' to THIN!
29. Fat people are so huge, people see through them and it's like they don't exist.
30. Thin is Heaven.
31. Have you ever seen a person NOT notice a walking skeleton?
32. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
33. Is food more important than happiness in life? Your appearance to others?
34. Eating is conforming.
35. When you start to get dizzy and weak, you're almost there.
36. Hunger is your friend and it won't betray you like food.
37. Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out, making you fat, bloated, ugly, and unhappy.
38. Think of anorexia as your secret weapon.
39. If you can name one reason to be fat, I will name a million to be skinny. I'll name them even if you can't find a reason to be fat.
40. Thin people look good in ANY kind of clothes.
41. No guy wants a fat girlfriend.
42. You will be confident in your bikini.
43. You can wear skinny jeans and look good in them.
44. You will be able to fit through small gaps.
45. You won't be afraid to look in the mirror.
46. You won't be afraid to step on the scale.
47. You will walk taller and lighter.
48. It won't taste so good when you want to throw it up later.
49. You will be able to wear 00 sized jeans.
50. Fat moves when you move.

Thinspirational Quotes

Being thin is a skill
A flat stomach is nice but a concave stomach is perfect.
A "craving" is only a feeling.
An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person.
Calories can't make you happy.
There is no 'try'- only 'do'.
Everytime you say "no thank you" to food, you are saying "yes plase" to thin.
The greasy fry, it cannnot lie, the truth is written on your thigh.
Eat to live, don't live to eat.
I'm not starving myself, I'm perfecting my emptiness.
A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.
Hunger hurts, but starving works.
Don't do anthing today you may regret tomorrow.

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

I will be thin,
I have such a bad headache. I want to go to sleep but yet i don't. I recently read about certain like fruits and vegetables that just have like, negetive calories. Does that not sound like HEAVEN to you ?! No calories and i can eat something, and it won't make me horribly fat? Thats pretty much the most amazing thing i have ever heard of. I stored them all in my phone so that i don't forget them. I'm so happy i googled that haha.

I think i'm eating too much lately. I have just been like, tasting things i guess and i feel like its all going to add up and i'm gonna be so huge by the end of the week. I'm done with that. I'm not going to eat anymore than 100 calories tomorrow and i'm going to run. Its snowy and wet outside though so i might have to use the treadmill, which i hate. I like to go somewhere when i run, and the treadmill doesn't get me anywhere. I like to look around and stuff, but the treadmill is just so lame.

Sometimes i feel like i'm getting thinner, and i look in the mirror and it seems that way, but i know its just a trick. That stupid mirror wants me to be fat. My jeans fall off so that i will think i'm losing, when i know for real that i'm not. The only thing that doesn't lie to me are the numbers on the scale, the horrible, wicked numbers on the scale. They make me cry.

I wish i was just lucky, then i wouldn't have to do all this. All those girls who don't even work hard to have the body they have are so lucky, i wish i was them.

I'd rather die, than be the way i am right now.

I will be thin,

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Lately people have asked me, "why do you wanna lose weight all the sudden?" Like my mom thinks that my boyfriend said something to me or that people say stuff in school. Thats not why. I just want to be thin. I'm gross, i honestly sicken myself. Everythings too big and too much. I'm doing this for me, nobody else. I mean of course i care about what other people think and i'm gonna look better and all, but i mostly care about what i think.

I have no control over anything, except for my weight, so i plan to control it. I'm going to be down to 100 before i know it, and its going to be easy.

I'm not gonna eat for a while. I just burned off about 300 calories on the treadmill, so that means today total i have like...maybe 100 in me. I don't want anymore, so i am going to try to not eat. Thats hard sometimes, because my mom makes dinner and stuff and when i say i'm not hungry, its like she knows that i'm not eating ever. I don't want anyone to know.

Theres only one person who i tell all of this to, well most of it anyway. His names Ant, like Anthony? And he's really sweet. And the sad thing is that i have a boyfriend but i really like this kid, he's really amazing, and he treats me really well and stuff. He's just far away though, and i like my boyfriend alot too, and he's so close. Its alltogether a little bit confusing, so i just do whats easiest which is to stay with Cody, my boyfriend.

Ant doesn't really know how i feel i don't think. He thinks he knows but he doesn't. I don't think he really knows how deep inside me this runs, and how hard i work and how much i want this, and what i would do for it. I'd rather die than be fat anymore.

By the summer i'm going to look normal just like every other girl. I'm going to be confident in a bikini and in shorts, and thats one really important thing to me. Confidence is something i have always wanted, just like those models you see and all those pretty, skinny girls that walk around the beach. I'm going to be like them. Its all i want.

Its easier to not eat on week days, when i'm in school. I'm just too busy to think about eating there, and plus there i can't just eat whenever i want because i have a certain lucnh period. That makes it so much easier. Plus i don't eat in lunch and then i run like five miles at track. That always makes me feel really good.

On a good day i take in less that 400 calories, on a bad day i take in more. I hate bad days because they make me feel so awful. They make me feel gross and terrible, and like i wanna be sick.

I saw something in another blog about fasting...i think i wanna try that soon. It would really help me, and i feel like it would make me stronger. The only problem with not eating at all is that i don't want to pass out at track or anything. I wanna be able to run and stuff and Thats why i have to eat like some food in one day. So that i can run.

Today is mine and my ex boyfriends anniversary day. I miss him a lot. I don't really wanna get into that situation because its a really long story and you might not understand. Its difficult. I still love him a lot, and today would have been one year and eight months. Whatever.

Its snowing outside. Its kind of depressing looking though because it rained first so none of the snow is sticking, its all just melting away. I wish it would stick, i love snow. Its really pretty.

I'm scared of Christmas. The Christmas season is going to be so hard to not eat during, because everyones there and they all make really good food and its stuff that you don't get year round, so you want to eat some you know? Plus we're going to my aunts for the christmas party and they will notice if i don't eat or anything. I plan to just always keep a drink with me, so then the attention will be taken away because there will be some kind of intake. No one will notice hopefully.

I can't wait until i'm thin, i'm counting the pounds.

I will be thin,

Friday, December 4, 2009

Zero is my favorite number. Its just perfect. Zero calories, a size zero, whats better than that? I just weighed myself today and i'm finally down to 140. I'm so happy, i even made myself a salad as a reward haha. I'm going to a sleepover tonight with my friend Kate, and i hope that i don't eat that much. I'm going to try to be really strong because Kates really fun and usually she's really into sweets and ice cream, and those things will be difficult to avoid with her. But i'm going to do the best that i can.

Soon i'm going to be to 135, and i can't stand the weight. I"m really going to step it up, maybe try some fasting and stuff like that. I almost made myself throw up last night because i thought that i ate too much. I was with my boyfriend and his family had this pasta, and i just felt bad to not eat it because they made me a plate and everything. But afterward i just felt awful about what i ate and wanted to be sick, but it hurts to make myself throw up. And i'm not very good at it so i just didn't.

Its hard to believe that i've lost ten pounds. I never thought i'd be good at this, at not eating and running and working out and stuff. But i am, and it makes everything work, and its going to make me thinner.

I missed school today and i am so upset, i really wanted to run. I am so mad that i missed track, that just means that i can hardly eat anything especially today because i'm not burning anything off. I asked one of my friends to grab my sneakers out of my locker so that i can run this weekend, because i really have to. I really hope she gets them for me.

I'm glad i won't be home tonight though because then i won't be forced to eat dinner with my family, and now that my mom is beginning to notice she is making meals that are like my favorite. Plus, she just went grocery shopping and she usually never buys like cookies and all that good stuff but she did this time, probably hoping that i would be week and eat them. I will not be weak, i will be strong.

I like feeling empty. I like the feeling of being hungry because it makes me feel like i'm doing good. Sometimes i'll find myself waiting for hunger to come back to me after i eat something, like i cling to the feeling. Its like the only thing that makes me feel like i'm doing well, other than the number on the scale.

Since i ate that salad today (190), i will be trying to eat nothing else. I like low numbers, and like i said before i like to stay to 300 calories or lower for a day. I really like it when i'm 0 calories, or better yet, negetive. Negetive calories is when i work out, and i don't barely eat all day and then i'm negetive, which is the best feeling in the world. Negetive is better than perfect. I want to be better than perfect.

I will be thin,
I wish i was never hungry. I wish food didn't exist. I hate food so much. I hate it for what its made me, and how it makes me feel. I'm always hungry. It makes me feel so awful, because i don't want to eat! I hate eating. I wish there was no such thing as hunger, and i wish that food didn't taste good for me, because then maybe i wouldn't ever eat.

I always have to lie, to make people get over the fact that i'm not eating at lunch or to make my family forget that i'm not eating much of dinner. "I'm not hungry." that's what i tell them. That's what i tell anybody who asks or anybody who gets suspicious. I just don't want to eat, i don't understand why they care so much. Its up to me that i don't want food, and i'm the one who's fat, not them. I don't need food. I need control. My weight is one thing i can control, and i'm good at it usually. In the last two weeks i've lost seven pounds, which is amazing for me because its going to get better. This is only the beginning. Next week i will have lose ten more pounds hopefully. I started out weighing 150, and i hate that number so much. Right now i'm 143, and i want to be between 100 and 110. And i will be. Maybe i'll even be less. I know it doesn't happen overnight, it will take some time.

I do winter track at my school and i love to run. Its so honest and so free and easy. There's no cheating in running, because if you stop, you're only cheating yourself, not anybody else. That won't help you, and it will only make you feel worse. During practice usually i am running with someone, or a group of girls. But on the weekends i run alone, and i like it. It gives me time to concentrate on my own thoughts, and i can think about what i'm doing and where i'm going next and everything i want to think about. Running is just so easy and amazing, and it makes you feel so good when you are finished.

My two best friends are doing winter track with me. They don't have any idea that i don't eat that much. Sometimes they get suspicious when i don't drink soda at our sleep overs or when i won't eat the fattening, calorie loaded snacks at the parties, but they would never ever think that i'm dying to be thin.

Running also burns a lot of calories, and i'm an obsessive calorie counter. I mostly try to eat about 300 calories a day or less, and sometimes its really hard because sometimes my family wants to go out, or i'm with my boyfriend and his family and i feel bad not to eat. I figure i can use "I'm not hungry." or "My stomach doesn't feel so well." a couple of times but then its starts to get old and they'll begin to notice.

Not eating is such a struggle every day because i have this problem where somtimes, i just want to taste something. And i know there is no way that i'm the only one with that problem, because its probably pretty common. I'll just feel like i'm hungry when really i just want to taste something, and thats why i wish food didn't taste so good. Because then i wouldn't want to eat as much as i do.

Lunch in school is such a battle, because everyone around me is eating. Except for mike, who i call my partner inside my head. he does wrestling so he's barely ever eating, and he makes me feel not so alone. I'd never let him know how i view him, but its just how it is. He's easy to look to for encouragement. A lot of things are actually.

I use the mirror the most for encouragement. sometimes i'll just stand in front of it in my undies and bra, and i'll just stare, and tell myself that i want that all to go away. Its easy when i have a mirror, because then it reminds me why i'm not eating.

Its 1:30am where i am, i really have to get to sleep if i want to be able to run atleast five miles tomorrow. I'm pretty sure i'll be logging in everyday, or every other day if possible. I'm usually real tired after track and sometimes i fall asleep, but i'm going to do the best i can. Okay, bye.

I will be thin,