Discipline is remembering what you want.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Dear Ana,

Tomorrow is the start of a brand new week.  The start of a brand new me.  I will restrict what I eat, and I will not surpass 300 calories in a day.  If I do, I will burn off twice the amount on the treadmill.  I will consistantly lose weight, and make the number on the scale go down.  I promise not to binge, and if I do then I will purge.  I believe in you, and I want your help.  You've gotten me so far already, but it is not enough.  I will not stop.  I will be 125 pounds by atleast February 20th.  I want it earlier.  I need to be 100 by the summertime.  And I will do it.  I will make this happen, and I will let you help me.

Love Lacie.

I'm backkk.

I haven't posted in so longg because of my midterms this past week.  I've missed it haha, but I was just so busyyyy!  I think I did pretty good on all my exams though, so thats whats important.  I'm sad though...because I'm back to 135.  I cried on the scale this morning.  I'm going to fix it.  I have to.  Bathing suit season is coming soon and I have to be skinny.

I think that now since my sister went back to college, I will do better.  She would always cook stuff and make food and I always felt bad because she would want me to try it or something or she'd make it for us.  And she's just so sweet haha, and she's a really good cook!  Anyway, I think I'll do better now that she's gone back. 

I plan to really restrict.  I won't eat more than 300 calories a day.  I will try not even to eat that.  I'm going to try to avoid planning fasts, they might just happen, but I don't wanna plan them anymore.  Whenever I like plan to do one, I just end up ruining it by binging.  So maybe they'll just happen randomly and then I won't bingee.

Also...coffee is a new addiction.  Thank god it has like, 0 calories.  I don't put anything  in it except for splenda...so it stays at that.  I love it.  It fills up my stomach so I'm not so hungry, and it gives me energy that I need for school and stuff.  I just love it so much.  Its so goooood.

Okay anyway, wish me luck for this coming week.  I'll be back on mostly every night or every day again, so you'll hear from meee (:

Starve on,

Monday, January 25, 2010


I almost forgot my rules for tomorrow.


1050 calories

1050 calories BURNED on the treadmill !  I was so happy with myself.  This is the second day in a row that I did that!  The best part is that I didn't even eat that much today...I think I might have ended up eating like 600...only because my mom made me have some dinner (Homemade cheese burger with mustard and weight watchers round bread thing as a bun)  170 + 100 = 270 + 170 (coffee thing) = 440 + some grapes which was probably like 50 so like 490...okay now that I did the math I know its not 600 haha.  But anyway that just makes it better.

Anyway...today wasn't such a bad day...but tomorrow is going to be much better.  I'm going to plan out what I'm eating right here, because fasts only lead to binges for me.  I'm not gonna do them so much anymore.  I write the weight I want to be on my left hand now though (125) so whenever I think of eating I just look at it and then I don't want to eat anymore.

Breakfast - 2 egg whites + ketchup = 41
Lunch - 1 honey crisp apple = 80
Dinner - 1 cup a soup + 4 saltine crackers = 103
TOTAL: 224

Track tomorrow too, so I'll burn all that off.  Plus I might run or walk on the treadmill to get rid of an extra 400 - 500 calories, I'm not sure yet though.  Tomorrow is going to be a good day...I just know it.  I'm going in with a good attitude...hopefully it will help me.

I need to start losing again.  I'm sick of staying at the same weight, or going up!  I'm not going up anymore.  I swear to myself that I will weight 100 by the end of May.  I know I will.  I'm strong, I'm not weak.  I can do this, and Ana will help me. 

From now on, my new daily limit is 300 calories.  If I go over it, then I do my 1000 calorie exercise on the treadmill.  Otherwise, I think I would stick to like a 600 - 800 calorie exercise.  Those are like normal for me.  I've only done 1000 before because I felt like really guilty about the day.

Tomorrows going to be good...I know it.

Starve on,

Photographic Distraction

My new blog has photos that I take while I'm distracting myself from eating.  Its really a good way for me to not think about it.  I love to take photos...you should follow it (:

Anyway, today has been really good.  I had coffee this morning with one packet of sugar and 1 tablespoon of half and half.  Altogether thats 36 calories.  The only solid food I've eaten was an apple smaller than my hand at lunch.  I don't plan to eat anything else...but if I end up eating, it will be something raw.  Either celery or an apple or grapes or something.  I really don't want to eat anything else though.

I'm gonna post again later tonight, I plan to run on the treadmill first though because I didn't go to track today.  I was just not in the mood, and its rainy out.  Plus I got like sick in school, and I have a lot to study for for midterms.  Very stressful weeeek.

Starve on,

Sunday, January 24, 2010

diet pills?

I want some.  I'm just so tired of feeling hungry all the time.  I hate it.  Does anybody know any really good diet supplements?  Ones that like make you less hungry and/or speed up your metabolism?  They'd really help.

Starve on,

make a wish

"Make a wish and place it in your heart. Anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where the next miracle is gonna come from, the next smile, the next wish come true. But if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open your heart and mind t...o the possibility of it, to the certainty of it. You just might get the thing you're wishing for. The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it. With all your heart."

- One Tree Hill

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Call me fat

I need someone to tell me I'm fat.  Maybe then I really will stop binging and eating like normal.  I don't want to be normal!  I want to be beautiful and unique and pretty and skinny.  I want to be underweight...not "healthy". 

Tomorrow is sunday, and that starts a new week.  This week will be better.  I know it will.  I'm gonna fast tomorrow, and I'm going to just keep fasting for as long as I can.  I wanna go for more than two days.  The only things I will have are water, diet coke, or tea...no solid food ever.  No calories in me ever. 

I swear I must have eaten like a million calories today.  I can't even remember what I ate!  Thats the worst thing...when you eat so much that you can't remember it all.  It had to be more than 1000 calories.  It just had to.  God i'm so disgusting.

I'm so fat and ugly and imperfect.  I hate myself.  I won't be happy until I am thin.  Right now, I want to weigh 100 pounds, but once I weigh that, I plan to go down to 95, and then maybe 90.  I need to be skinny.  I'm so sick of looking the way I do, and feeling the way I do.  Its terrible, I'm terrible.  I don't even know why anybody talks to me.  Ugh.

Starve on,

Thursday, January 21, 2010

In school

I'm so tired and bored today. I haven't eaten at all and I'm in school. How sucky. I was surprised i could get on this in school...its blocked but I know a website where I can do whatever i want at school, haha its great. I just have a lot that i'm thinking about and no where to write it all.

Its easy not to eat when you're so close to fitting into a pair of jeans you've been after for a while. I have these jeans that are a size 3 that I am in love with. I want them to fit so bad. I tried them on last night and i feel like i'm pretty close. Maybe after i lost ten more pounds they'll fit right. I hope so, I want to wear them so bad.

I am so bored with food anyway though lately. Its not like we have anything to eat in my house anyway, so I have nothing to binge on, and therefore no problems. School is easy because I'm busy the whole time and i don't have any food. Plus I don't bring any money with me to school, so I can't buy anything. That was the best idea I ever had.

I'm supposed to be in lunch right now but instead I come to the library everyday. Maybe I'll start posting at this time too from now on, then at night when I get home. I don't know, all I know is that I just need to avoid that cafeteria.

I have no intention of eating today, I haven't even really thought about it. I also have track today, so I'm going to be so negetive calories for like two days. Maybe I'll finally lose some weight this way. I don't want to eat ever again haha. I know thats like impossible though. I'm just going to eat ridiculously little.

My family is good inspiration. They know that I'm "dieting" and they constantly make comments and stuff saying that I can't do it. Whatever, I don't need their problems. I can do whatever I want. I'm the one who's going to weigh 100 pounds, they can stuff their faces and I'll just watch. But they make me want to really show them that I can do this, and that I will. I'm going to prove to them that I have self control and willpower, and that I don't need to eat like they do. Not eating is strength. They're weak, I'm not.

Starve on,


I'm fasting tomorrow until friday night.  I'm going to a sweet sixteen and I don't know the food situation there, so I want to be prepared.  I don't plan to eat anything there though if I don't have to.  I have nothing to wear though...all my dresses are too big on me noww, which is good, and bad haha.  Whatever, I'll figure something outt.  Night everyoneeeee.

Starve on,

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Commenting help..

So when commenting back to people...should I go comment on their blog or should I just comment back on the post that they commented on?  Because thats what I've been doing but I don't know if the commenter ever sees it, and I don't want anyone to think I'm ignoring themmm haha. 


How do they do it?

I guess I just don't understand.  How does everyone just get hungry, make food, and then eat it?  They don't even realize what they're stuffing down their throats!  Hundreds of calories for just one cheese burger?  Hundreds more for some french fries?  And then more just to have soda?  How do they do that without killing themselves afterward.  I could never handle that.  Even if I wanted to eat McDonalds or Burger King, I'd never be able to.  That amount of calories wouldn't even be able to sit comfortably in my mind.  Not ever.  I will never eat that way again.  I can't even think of the fact that I used to do that more than once a week.

Right now as I'm typing, my family is stuffing their faces with fattening, calorie ridden maccaroni and cheese.  It grosses me out just thinking about it.  I'm not eating any.  I don't want any.  I'm walking on the treadmill soon to burn off 400 calories, its really easy to do when you're watching televison at the same time, haha.

I had an amazing run today.  It was six miles!  It felt so good when I was done, and I knew the whole time that I was burning off the apple and yogurt I ate for breakfast.  That was really good to know.  That made me want to finish all the way.  It was really good, and I'm so happy.  I weighed myself and I also feel much better.  I had gained a little weight from my terrible two weeks, and I got rid of it so I'm back to 130, and now I can start for 125 again.  Everything is going to be okay.  I'm going to do this finally.

Oh yeah, and diet coke is amazing...haha (:

Stay strong girls!

Starve on,

amazing me

I did really well today compared to my past horrible weeks.  This is what happened today.

3-4 miles

1 apple = 44 (negetive calories?)
1 craft single = 70
1 rice cake + tbsp marshmallow fluff = 55
Diet coke


Extra 200 calories walking on treadmill

1 small slice of pizza (forced) = 200

369 - 400

With all my exercise, I'm pretty sure i was negetive calories for the day.  Thank god, I've been needing a good day for so long.  Today brought me up now so that i can do well the rest of the week.  I am planning for a 200 or less total calorie intake tomorrow, because that way I'll just run it off at track, plus more so I'll be negetive again. 

I need to lose weight faster, I just need to.  I want to be 100 by the time I have to wear a bikini...I have like 3 months...I think i can do it.  30 pounds in 3 months, I'm going to have to be very strict.  I will make this happen, I know that I can.  Wish me luck!

Starve on,

Monday, January 18, 2010

I told him.

Today was good and bad.  I told Brian about my problems, the cutting and not eating, and I told Justin about the cutting.  In a way i felt better that they knew, but in a way i didn't feel so good that they knew.  Its just like, I know all these other girls are here to talk to, but I still feel really alone sometimes.  I just want to have someone who I can talk to, or cry to if I need. 

Sometimes I just get really upset, and then I feel really alone and i have no one to talk to because Brian wouldn't know, and Justin wouldn't know, and it would just suck.  Justin tried to blame himself...its not his fault.  Its my fault him and I broke up, and its my fault that I couldn't move on.  I would never blame him for being happy without me.  He should be.  Its all my fault anyway.  I'm just a sucky person, and I always will be.  But when i'm skinnier, no one will be able to see that I suck...they'll just see that my thighs don't touch in the middle.

I'm not in the mood to write so much tonight, I'm too tired and too upset.  I just want to sleep and start all over again tomorrow.  I really am going to do better.  I swear.  I'm going to constantly distract myself.  Eat to live, don't live to eat.

Starve on,

Sunday, January 17, 2010


I just feel like i'm stuck here.  I feel like i'm never going to lose anymore weight and like suddenly i'm just done or something.  Its like my mind has decided on its own, "i've lost enough weight, now i can do what i want." which isn't true.  I have not lost enough.  It won't be enough until i am happy, and i am not happy.  I'm going to be 125, and then i'm going to be less and less.

Tomorrow is just what i need.  Tomorrow starts a brand new week, and if i don't eat tomorrow, then i will be more fueled to do better the rest of the week.  My friend Brian is coming over tomorrow, so maybe he'll distract me from eating, and then i won't at all.  I just wish i was always distracted to so i wouldn't eat.  What it used to be was that i ate whenever i was bored, and now i don't want to do that anymore.  I'm scared that I'm getting into that habbit again.  Ugh, I really don't want to.  I just want to be thin.

I need to find a new place for my cuts...my hips is good because no one will ever see them, but they aren't good because my jeans rub against the cuts and it makes them hurt.  I don't know where else to do it though.  I don't want to do my wrists because anyone can see them.  Not my shoulders because anyone could see them too.  I'm thinking about doing like my upper thigh or something, but i'm not sure yet. 

I'm so sad tonight, i need to change.  I just wish i was a whole new person, a whole new, beautiful, thin person.  Then i could start all over, and i wouldn't have to go through this.  It hurts, and its so hard.  I just have to keep telling myself that beauty is pain, thats all i need to think.  I'm just am tired of being a fat mess, and being disgusting and gross. 

Its like sometimes i feel like i'm almost there, but then i'll think of what a long way i have to go.  I want thin now, I wish I didn't have to work so hard and wait so long.  I just want to be happy.  I just want to be thin.


Starve on,

Saturday, January 16, 2010


I'm embarassed to talk about my day today, so i'll talk about how good yesterday was.  I followed my eating schedule perfectly, except i didn't eat the soup because i slept like, as soon as i got home from track.  That was really good.

I'm fasting tomorrow because i'm scared my family might want to go out to eat.  I'm also planning on going on a run if the weather agrees with me.  Maybe like four or five miles.  I'm just in the mood to run.

I've found that when i eat, it makes me feel so light headed.  Maybe because now my body is used to not eating?  I don't know, but i like that feeling because it reminds me not to eat anymore.  I have to be 125 soon, i just have to.  I hate still being like 130, i just feel so gross.  I have 30 more pounds to go until i set a new long term goal.  I need to start moving faster, and controlling better.

Starve on,

Wednesday, January 13, 2010



Breakfast: 1 apple (44) + 1/2 yogurt (40) = 84 calories
Lunch: none
Dinner: 1 cup progresso -light- roasted chicken & vegetable = 35 calories
Dessert: sugarfree orange jello = 5 calories

TOTAL = 124 calories


Suppress sugar/salt cravings with ice cold lemon water.
Do not bring any money to school.
Go to the library during lunch.
Read when feeling hungry.
Stay busy.

Starve on,

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Matching Scars

I actually did something i said i was going to do for once.  Last night i cut my right hip for my terrible day.  Tonighti cut my left hip for being a victim of peanut butter.  I ate too much today.  I was doing so well all day, i hadn't eaten at all until i got home.  Its like peanut butter is a drug.  I love it so much.  I need to get rid of it...but everyone else in my house would notice.  Ugh i hate my life.  Tomorrow is the start of a complete fast, and its going to last for a long time.

I am so tired of messing up, so tired of failing and so tired of being fat.  i'm still at 130, and i need to be 125 now.  I want it so bad.  I don't understand why if i want this so bad i let myself stray from my fasts and from Ana.  I let myself eat, and i eat too much.  I'm just too fat and too much of a pig.  I'm so sick of being disgusting.  I want to be 100 pounds.  I need it.  I will do it. 

Had track today, which will atleast take away some of the 600 - 700 calories that i shoved in my mouth today.  I hope so.  Tomorrows a harder track workout, maybe like six miles.  All i have to say to that is thanks to my coach.  He'll be the first person i thank when i reach 100.  He pushes me, and he's helping me get to where i want to be.  And he doesn't even know it.  He's gonna make my dreams come true.

Him and Ana.

Starve on,


I want to cut myself.  I deserve it.  Its punishment.  For every 100 calories i don't need i should cut one line into my hip.  Its my last resort.  I need to get myself under control.  Eating is ruining me, and i can't stop.  I need to make it stop.

I hate pain, and its going to hurt.  I'm going to start small tonight, if i can even do it.  Two lines at the most, maybe even just one.  Most likely just one.  I need this.  This is right.  This will teach me that food betrays me, and that i don't need it.  I've never been at such a low point.

Starve on,

Monday, January 11, 2010

Lift me up.

This road is anything but simple
Twisted like a riddle
I've seen high and I've seen low
So loud, the voices of all my doubts
Telling me to give up, to pack up and leave town

Even so, I had to believe
Impossible means nothing to me

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Somewhere, every body starts there
I'm counting on a small prayer,
Lost in a nightmare
But I'm here, and suddenly it's so clear
The struggle through the long years
It taught me to outrun my fears

Everything worth having, oh
Comes with trials worth withstanding

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun

Oh, lift me up

Down and out is overrated
And I need to be elevated
Looking up is not enough
No, I would rather rise above

So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun.

Starve on,

Sunday, January 10, 2010


I will not eat.  Its really no wonder i'm so fat.  This whole past week all i've done is eat.  I don't need food, so why do i keep shoving it down my throat?  I have no idea.  I don't want to eat.  I'm so gross.  I'm going to fix it.  This is the last chance before i start puking, i'm making this week my last chance with Ana, and then she'll get mia to help me too.  And both of them is difficult.

I just don't know whats gotten into me.  Its like, i get hungry, so i eat.  I have no self control!  I don't need to eat just because i'm hungry, and i won't anymore.  All this week is major restriction.  Just fasting all week, and if i do eat, it will be 100 calories a day or less.  I'm fixing this.  I'm done being fat.  I'm done screwing this up.  I will be thin, even if it kills me.

Starve on,

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The worst week ever

Its been so horrible.
Good News = I haven't gained.
Bad News = I haven't lost.

I have to be in control again.  My tongue is making all my decisions.  It wants to taste peanut butter and dressing, salt, sugar, honey, sugar, chicken, sugar, cheese, sugar, milk, oh and did i mention SUGAR?! I'm having a major sugar issue.  I just always want something sweet.  Does anyone have any advice?  Something sweet but really low in calories.  I'm just having such a hard time with it.

Word to the wise...Walden Farms Peanut Buttter = HORRIBLY TERRIBLY AWFUL.
I hate it.  What a sad excuse for peanut butter substitute.  I feel bad for people who are allergic to gluten and stuff and have to eat that, poor girls and boys.  I will never eat it by choice again.

I"m supposed to go to pizza hut with my friends tomorrow.  I am upset.  I'm fasting all day tomorrow until the outing, probably will go for a 3 - 4 mile run, eating half a slice to a whole slice of pizza, drinking diet coke, and then going home and feeling awful about it.  Ugh.

I broke up with my boyfriend today.  It wasn't working, and i'm kinda sad...but i feel better.  We're better friends than we were boyfriend and girlfriend, we just are.  Things are going to be better this way.

I'm gonna do some crunches tonight before bed, a couple hundred probably.  I just feel awful.  I don't even want to talk about what i ate today or yesterday.  I'm done, i'm so sorry Ana.  I won't hurt you anymore, i won't let you down anymore.

My goal to 125 is starting over today, and i will be 125 by next Sunday.  I know i will.  I will work harder than i have ever worked.  I have to keep decreasing.  I just have to.  I hate staying at one spot on the scale.  I hate it.  I'm done with it.

Knitting is my new distraction...thank you Wintergirls, that helps.

Starve on,

Friday, January 8, 2010


made by me.


It hurts so bad.  It all hurts.  I feel like the world is against me.  Everybody wants me to eat, everybody wants me to be fat.  The kids at lunch, my parents, my brother and sister, my best friends, they all want me to fail.  They shove food at me from every direction, they stick it down my throat.  Pizza, bread, cheese, milk, eggs, calories, things i don't need.  Things that make me hurt inside.  They'll never know.  None of them will ever know how it feels.  The pain i feel when i eat food that i don't deserve, food that i don't need.  Its impossible to show them.  How could they ever understand?  They never could.

And now i am done.  No more food for the whole weekend.  No more food tomorrow.  No more food the next day, or the day after that.  Stick thin.  I want to be stick thin.  I'm not going to reach my goal for sunday.  No chance.  I will be skinny.  I don't care how it hurts.  Thrust all the food they want at me, and i'll always decline.  I don't need food.  Food doesn't make people happy.  Beauty makes people happy.  Thin is beauty, therefore, thin makes people happy.  Thin makes me happy.  I will be thin.  No one will stop me.  I hate eating.  No more.  I'm finished, i won't show weakness.  I am not weak.  I am strong, and by not eating, i am stronger.  I am not safe right now.  I will be safe when i reach 100lbs, and safer when i reach 95lbs.  I will be safe soon.

We all will.

Starve on,

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


I did really well today.  Compared to recent days anyway.  I had my two egg whites and ketcup (41) and i had an apple (44), and i drank green tea which apparently is supposed to speed up your metabolism so you burn more fat.  I hope that helpedd.  I also had sugar free Jello (5) and 1/4 of a pickle (5).  I didn't get to eat salad because all our lettuce was bad.  So my total was 95 calories for the whole day.  Thats amazing for what i've been eating lately.

Although i've been having terrible nights of binging, i haven't really gained any weight, its shocking.  I'm at 129 still.  I think that within the next two days of eating better, as long as there are no binges, it should go down.  I'm really hoping, i want to get to 125 as quickly as possible.

I had track today, and i ran about 4 miles.  It felt really good and that means that i burned calories.  I was negetive calories for the day basically, because you burn about 100 - 150 calories per mile you run, generally, and so that means i burned 400 - 600 calories.  So i'm in the clear for today.  I will not let myself binge tomorrow, i will not.

I need to drink more water, i'm feeling really dehydrated lately because i'm not getting enough.  I'm going to put like a liter of it in the refrigerator so that i can remember to drink more.  I'll put it in like a pitcher.

I have to change my eating schedule for tomorrow because of the lettuce issue, so heres my new one:

Breakfast: 2 egg whites + ketchup = 41
Lunch: 8 3inch pieces of celery = negetive
Dinner: Cup-a-soup = 50
Dessert: Sugar free jello = 5
+ Lots of water +

Total: 96 calories.

Wish me the strength to not binge!

I am reading Wintergirls again, because when i read it the first time i was just being introduced to Ana, now that she's my best friend i think i might be able to relate more to the book and understand more.  Its my favorite book, and i'll like it more if i read it again.  Its also a really good distraction, and amazing thinspiration.  I have school and track tomorrow so its time for bed, nighttt.

Starve on,

Tuesday, January 5, 2010


Okay so that was a minor breakdown.  I just realized that what i said will never work.  Whenever i fast for too long, it always ends in a binge.  So this is my day plan for every day this week:

Breakfast: 2 egg whites with ketcup - 41
Lunch: Some type of negetive calorie vegetable or fruit - negetive calories
Dinner: Salad with two tablespoons balsamic vinegrette - 25 calories

This is much better.  I've calmed myself down enough to think straight, and i will follow this plan and everything will be fine.  I may not reach my 125 goal by January 10th, but i'm not sure.  I'm just going to do mybest.  I plan to be down to 120 or below by the end of January.  Wish me luck.

Starve on,

i hate myself.

I really am the ugliest worst fattest grossest person ever.  I just had the worst binge of my entire life, and i'm not even strong enough to go puke it up.  I can't believe myself.  I will never lose another pound again at this rate!  I am not eating the rest of the week, all the way until friday.  Maybe longer.  I hate food.  I don't need it.  Track practice is back and i'm going to fix everything.  I'm going to bed way early to avoid all the horrible food in my house.  I'm fixing this before it ruins me.

Starve on,

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Cut short

So i decide to cut my three day fast to two days, because i'm starting a new special fast tomorrow thats going to last the whole week.  Its easier to fast when i have school and track anyway.  I ate today, more than i should have, but my fast t his week will fix it all.

I wanna call it my breakfast fast, because i'm going to eat an under 50 calorie breakfast to jumpstart my metabolism for the day, and then i'm not going to eat at all the rest of the day, until breakfast the next morning.  I think its a good idea, but i might come up with some more breakfast ideas because i might get sick of my usual egg white breakfast. 

I'm going to start the week with a complete one day fast though, tomorrow i'm just not going to eat at all to make up for how what i ate today.  Then tuesday will start the breakfast part of the fast.  Thats all i'm going to be eating the whole day, just breakfast.  I think its going to work.  I want this to go until friday, but i don't know how i'm going to do.  We'll see.

By the end of this week, i hope to be closer to 125, i think the breakfast thing will help because if my metabolism is going all day and i'm not eating, then it will burn calories that i haven't eaten and everything will be perfect.  Not to mention i'll be having track practice too so i'll just be burning off my breakfast anyway.  I'm also going to go to bed earlier to avoid late night binging.  Wish me luck!

Starve on,

Saturday, January 2, 2010

That much closer

I feel so amazing about myself right now.  Today was the second day of my fast, and i didn't eat anything!  I was in New York City, and i still managed to get away without eating a thing.  Cody and his dad had pizza, and i told them that i just started taking a new allergy medicine and couldn't eat until six or i'd get sick, so i sipped a diet coke...which made me feel so strong.  I didn't even finish it haha.

Any way after that when i got home, Michelle (my sister) made dinner and really wanted me to try her chicken, so took a bite, but i didn't swallow it!  Yay me, i barely even chewed it haha.  I told her it was amazing, but i wasn't hungry enoough to eat it because i ate pizza with cody (when i didn't).  I feel very good about myself right now.

I just weighed myself and i'm so excited because i weigh 129, which tomorrow after i sleep will be less!  And i'm going for a run tomorrow i think, if i have time because i have so much homework, but it will be atleast a five mile run.  I'm going to be at 125 before i know it!  Tomorrow is the last day of my fast, and i'm confident that i will do just fine.  I'm strong, and i'm gonna make it.

I also bought new ugg boots today!  The cute bailey button ones, in chocolate.  I love them!  And i got to go to the Epic Hollister in New York, which was amazing as well.  I bought two new hoodies.  I also went to a huge American Eagle and a huge Forever 21...which was also cool.  I had a very good day.  I saw the pretty tree too and the ice skating rink, and i saw loads of confetti all over from the new years celebration.  It was pretty cook, i had a lot of fun.

I'm going to go now to find something to do, because i'm pretty confident that i will not binge tonight.  I'm just doing so well.  I might even extend the fast to monday too, based on how i'm feeling monday morning before school.  I won't be running in our meet on monday anymore because i missed a practice, but i don't get to come home until like 11pm!  Whateverrrr, i'm on such a high right now (:  Okay stay beautiful ladies!

Starve on,


So i just got a screen name on aol, if anybody uses that and wants to talk.  Its laciestanton.  I would really like it if people talked to me on it haha, i think that would be cool (:
Lately i'm so thankful for this blog.  It makes it so that when i'm thinking about eating or something, i have a distraction.  Its very very helpful.  Plus i just recently got some followers haha, and i met some new people who are just like me and that makes me feel like i'm not so alone.  I'm thankful for that too.

I'm up so early because i'm going to new york soon!  I'm excited to go shopping haha, i have money so its going to be fun.  I'm also happy to see Cody.  I was sort of angry with him on new years eve, but then on new years at like 2am, i decided that being mad at him on new years was dumb, and bad luck.  So i'm not anymore, even though i had good reason to be.  Whatever, its no big deal.  He really has been good to me, so i should be good to him too, no matter how much i miss justin.  Justins not good to me the way Cody is.  Cody deserves my love more.

Or thats what i keep telling myself.

I'm just gonna leave it for now, i have enough to deal with and i don't need guys in that mix.  I have a wonderful guy, and i should treat him well while i have him.  One time, when i was really sick, and i was craving some chicken noodle soup, he brought me some!  Haha, he's so sweet, and it was the healthy harvest kind too, so it wasn't bad for me.  It made me smile.  Whenever i think about Justin, i just think about that one time, and it reminds me that Cody deserves me more. 

Just let me keep telling myself that.

Anyway, now that i've totally gone off topic and made such a long post out of what was supposed to be like a short two paragraph one, i'm gonna go.  I'm probably just gonna sit here and read everyones blogs until i leave, i'm just so bored and i don't want to eat anything.  So i'll be back later tonight, expect a post (:

Starve on,

Friday, January 1, 2010

made by me


They're so beautiful.  I run my fingers along them, and i can't wait until i can feel more of my beautiful bones.  Bones are so clean, and fat hangs on them like a parasite.  I will make it all vanish this year.  I will be beautiful and skinny and perfect. 

I did very well today on my fast.  I didn't eat anything, i just drank water and a sprite zero all day.  I drank a lotttt of water.  I also went for a 5 mile run, which was amazing.  I really needed it because i went through a whole week and did not exercise, and thats crazy.  I need exercise, i won't let myself do that again.  It made me feel craaapppy.

I'm scared for tomorrow.  I'm going to new york with my boyfriend, and i feel like i might have to eat.  Keep in mind that he doesn't know about my restrictions, so he might get suspicious when i tell him i'm not hungry or something.  I might be able to get away with telling him i just don't really feel well, because he knew i didn't feel so well today.  I really really hope that my fast doesn't get messed up because of this, that would really suck. 

I can't eat until monday morning, I just can't.  If i have to eat tomorrow, i am going to run it all off on sunday, and then not eat anything on monday to make up for if i eat tomorrow.  As of now though, i DO NOT plan to touch any food tomorrow.  Wish me luck! 

So i'm having food diary issues.  I just can't seem to keep up with it!  I think i'm just going to end it all together, it just doesn't really do much for me because i remember everything anyway.  Plus then i feel bad when i forget to write in it.  I think i'm just going to not do it anymore, maybe i'll start up again in the future, i don't really know.  I am going to try to always put on here what i will be eating the next day.  That helps me a lot.

And oh my gosh, i'm in love with thinspirational music.  Its just amazing, it helps me so much.  When i ran today i listened to my thinspirational playlist, and it made me feel so good.  It made it go by really fast, and made me want to keep going.  Yay for thinspirational music! (:

Okay well i have to go to sleep early since i'm waking up at like seven am tomorrow.  I'm really tired anywayy.  Goodnightttttt (:

Starve on,

Let the fast begin (: