Discipline is remembering what you want.

Monday, January 17, 2011


Since I'm starting all over from the beginning...I think I'm going to move to Tumblr.  I'm still going to keep this, but I won't update it as much. 

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


So there I was, standing in the aisle at CVS, looking at diet pills.  There are so many, and I don't know what I'm looking at.  I've done some online research, but I don't really know what to trust.  So after a worried look from a pharmacist organizing the aisle, I left. 

I really need someones help...I just want to know maybe what you use, or what you've heard was really good.  I need an actual person's take on these things, not just what a website is telling me.  Please help <3

I need something with low caffiene, low price ($20-$30), and no awful side effects. 

Lacie Stanton

"Just a little bit thinner, and maybe I'd get there."

I haven't eaten actual food in almost three days. I'm on my period though...so I just haven't weighed myself because I know the scale probably will not change.  Today I had some trouble though...I was out with Justin (an old boyfriend) and its just like whenever I'm with him, I feel okay.  So eating doesn't feel bad.  But then when I get home, it does.  And I ran for a long time, and worked out...trying to get rid of it.  I don't know why he makes me feel so good about myself.  He is the only one who has every made me feel beautiful.  And he makes me feel like I am skinny, and like I can eat, because I can't be any better than I already am.  I feel like that when I'm with him, but then when I get home, and I'm left with thinking about everything I ate...I feel awful.  So I think I'm going to have to work harder whenever I'm with him.  He always notices though.  Last time when we'd hangout, he'd always offer to make ramen noodles or grilled cheese or macaroni and cheese for me...because he knows those are my favorites.  He wants me to eat.  He notices when I don't.  Even today when I wasn't going to get a pretzel at first, he knew I hadn't eaten yet all day, and he just got this really terrible look in his eyes, as if to say "Oh no, not again."  He was disappointed too...like he'd failed or something.  He just said "You haven't eaten all day." and stared at me.  So I got a pretzel.  Kind of for him.  I eat to make him happy sometimes like that.  I don't want him to worry...I want him to think that everything is okay and that I really am this beautiful girl that he sees.  Even if I'm not.  I can't not be around him, but i always eat around him.  I don't know what to do about that ha.  I'm working on it.  I hate lying to him, lying right to his face.  Its really hard, and seems so wrong.  He doesn't deserve it.

"Just a little bit stronger, just a little bit wiser, just a little less needy, and maybe I'd get there.  Just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware, just a little bit thinner, and maybe I'd get there."

Monday, January 10, 2011

Dear Ana,

Dear Ana,

I missed you.  I'm back, to stay.  I feel like such a fake and a fraud for losing everything I worked for.  Or really, gaining it.  It sucks.  I'm done letting other people control me.  I'm controlling me now, and no one can get in the way of that again.  Not my mom, not my family, not anyone.  I've been ripped away from you for so long now, its like I've forgotten everything.  I'm ready for a fresh start.  A real one.  I missed reading all thses girls' blogs and seeing how they're doing.  I missed getting help from their experiences too.  I need these blogs, this help.  I'm ready to start all over.  I began a couple days ago, starting at a disgusting 150 lbs...pretty much your typical wannarexic.  I don't care though, I know I'm probably different that a lot of other girls following Pro Ana sites, and hanging around with Ana...I know I'm not stick skinny right now.  I want to be though, more than anything in the world.  It means so much to me to make this happen.  I feel embarassed to have left for so long, and now to come back, so pathetic and revolting.  I'm going to fix it though.  I'm sixteen now...its given me some empowerment.  I'm making myself better.  Changing all the mistakes that I've made.  I'm her to stay Ana...I could never leave again. 

Lacie Stanton.