Discipline is remembering what you want.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

"Just a little bit thinner, and maybe I'd get there."

I haven't eaten actual food in almost three days. I'm on my period though...so I just haven't weighed myself because I know the scale probably will not change.  Today I had some trouble though...I was out with Justin (an old boyfriend) and its just like whenever I'm with him, I feel okay.  So eating doesn't feel bad.  But then when I get home, it does.  And I ran for a long time, and worked out...trying to get rid of it.  I don't know why he makes me feel so good about myself.  He is the only one who has every made me feel beautiful.  And he makes me feel like I am skinny, and like I can eat, because I can't be any better than I already am.  I feel like that when I'm with him, but then when I get home, and I'm left with thinking about everything I ate...I feel awful.  So I think I'm going to have to work harder whenever I'm with him.  He always notices though.  Last time when we'd hangout, he'd always offer to make ramen noodles or grilled cheese or macaroni and cheese for me...because he knows those are my favorites.  He wants me to eat.  He notices when I don't.  Even today when I wasn't going to get a pretzel at first, he knew I hadn't eaten yet all day, and he just got this really terrible look in his eyes, as if to say "Oh no, not again."  He was disappointed too...like he'd failed or something.  He just said "You haven't eaten all day." and stared at me.  So I got a pretzel.  Kind of for him.  I eat to make him happy sometimes like that.  I don't want him to worry...I want him to think that everything is okay and that I really am this beautiful girl that he sees.  Even if I'm not.  I can't not be around him, but i always eat around him.  I don't know what to do about that ha.  I'm working on it.  I hate lying to him, lying right to his face.  Its really hard, and seems so wrong.  He doesn't deserve it.

"Just a little bit stronger, just a little bit wiser, just a little less needy, and maybe I'd get there.  Just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware, just a little bit thinner, and maybe I'd get there."

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