Fraud

I feel like such a fraud sometimes.  Like, I already know that I'm not considered anorexic, I'm like EDNOS, because I'm not underweight yet.  But even with that, when I eat, I feel like such a fake.  I want this so bad.  I need this.  I just need to try harder.

I didn't really do so bad today.  I don't think so atleast.  I didn't have more than 500 calories, I'm almost positive.  Tomorrow I am starting a new fast.  Its called water and apples, haha.  I'm allowed two apples a day, and only water (and my usual morning zero calorie coffee).  Its a good fast for me because I loveeee apples, and they're free at schoool.  I'm really hoping it goes well.  I need to do this fast until saturday.  I need to.  I know I can do it.  I just have to control myself.

Wish me luckkk.

Starve on,
Lacie.

Oh lacie where have you been?

God I really suck.  I just can't do this right.  I need to be skinny.  I'm not eating tomorrow.  I can't eat.  I don't want to!  I hate food so much and I have been eating like a damn pig lately, and its just not funny!  Its not okay!  Why am I so horrible at this?  I have less than two months before florida.  I need to do this.  I really need to. 

I just can't eat.  Like at all.  I really need to regain my self control.  Ever since christmas break I have just been so horrible.  I lost twenty pounds, and I haven't lost anymore since then.  I suck.  Ugh.  Like, I'm so fat and disgusting.  I hate me and my life.  I'm going to be thin.  I have to be.

Starve on,
Lacie.

Why us?

I wish this wasn't so hard.
So many girls don't have to try.
They are beautiful and thin.
They don't work as hard as we do.

All of us struggle.
We stare at our empty plates.
Yet she eats mcdonalds.
And buys a bikini the next day.

We stare in the mirror.
And we pinch at our tummies.
Too much is there.
Why is she so lucky?

What made them better than us?
Why did they deserve to be thin more than us?
They don't even know what they have,
Those girls who are perfect.

They don't realize that girls like you and me,
We kill for their body.
We work so hard.
We starve, and purge, and starve.

Yet we always feel the same.
Bones reveal themselves,
And the number on the scale decreases,
But its never enough.

We strive to be better.
We strive to be thin.
We strive to be beautiful.
We strive for perfection.

When will we ever be enough
For ourselves, and for everyone else?
When?
When will we be perfect?

Why us?
Why are we the unfortunate ones?
Why do we have to try so hard?
Why didn't we deserve to be beautiful too?

They're so lucky.
They're so pretty.
They're so thin.
They're who we want to be.

But it will never be enough.

Thankyou guys so much for all your supportttt (:

I have been commenting back but I don't really know if anyone knows when we comment back unless they like check againnnn, so I'm just gonna say thank you here to everyone who had ever commented on my postsss.  You guys are so sweet, and very helpfulllll.  I love you all to death, and if you weren't here, I'm prettty sure I would have died by now from loneliness, thank god for the internet right? (:

Today didn't end up so bad.  But tomorrow will be better.  I wanna plan out what I'm gonna eat all day.  I'm gonna do it now actually.

Breakfast: 3 egg whites (51) + Coffee [black w/ splenda] (<1)
Lunch: Apple (80) [more of less depending on its size]
Dinner: Light progresso soup (140) [max. if I finish the whole can]
TOTAL: 271
Snacks that are allowed:
     -Pickle half (10)
     -Rice cake (35)
     -10 baby carrots (20)
     -Diet soda (0)
Only two snacks allowed all day, combination must add up 35 or less.  No more than 35 calories in snacks allowed.

Good luck to me tomorrrrow, and all of youuu (:

Starve on,
Lacie.

Okay.

So today is good so far. I've only eaten an apple (80), ten baby carrots (20), and a cinnamon raisin bagel (190). So I'm at 290 for the day. Thats not so bad I guess, not to mention the apple and the carrots are supposed to be negetive calories, so they'll go away.

I have track today also, so I'll burn all that off and more. I'm not sure yet what I want to eat for dinner...it needs to be something low in calories. The most I will allow today is 400 calories, and I don't even want that. I'll either have oatmeal, some kind of low calorie soup, and orange, salad, or maybe dry toast.

I really hope there is no binge tonight. I am working so hard. I just need to be thin soon. I have like two months until I go to florida, so I have to lose this ugly weight that takes over. I will make it disappear. I swear.

Starve on,
Lacie.

I wasn't even hungry

Each bite hurts,
My stomach expands.
I know I'm not hungry,
Temptation I can't stand.

I don't need to eat,
I do not need food.
Not like the rest of them,
It makes my belly protrude.

Binging hurts,
It makes me cry.
I don't want that food,
I don't need it to get by.

I'm ugly and gross,
And my tummy's in pain.
I need to be empty,
I need to not gain.

I want double digits,
I want nothing more.
I will feel much better,
Wearing thin to the core.

Please Ana help me,
Save me from myself.
Help me ignore hunger,
And leave the food on the shelf.

I will be skinny,
Then I won't cry.
I will be skinny,
Or else I will die.

Starve on,
Lacie.

Hating life, one small bite at a time.

I just need to be thin.  Thats the only thing that can describe what I'm feeling like right now.  I just want it now.  I'm so bored of all this waiting, I work so hard.  I need to lose this ugly fat that is consumes my body.  I hate food so much.  I just want to be happy.  Ugh!

Starve on,
Lacie.

Dying to be thinnnn.

I just want to be skinny so badddd.  I'm working so hard.  I haven't eaten barely at all todayy.  I had the cinnamon raisin bagel I mentioned earlier (190), and then I had some of my moms chicken and rice (only a tiny bit) because she wanted me to.  I don't think that was that much.  I also ran today.

I don't think I'm going to eat at all tomorrow though, because I'm not running because I'm missing trackk.  And if I do eat...It will be 200 calories or less, and then I plan to burn that off on the treadmill (just like walking or something).

I really really need to be thinnnn.  I just want it so bad.  Thats why I'm really concentrating now and working hard to not eat and to exercise and stuff.  I've learned that hunger is my body's way of saying "good job, you didn't need that anyway."

I wish this wasn't so hard though /:  Being thin comes so easy for so many girls.  They don't do anything, and they look perfect.  Thats not fair.  I think god should have made it fair and given everybody the same metabolism and the same starting body.  Then everyone could be equal and no one would get a free ride.  We'd either all have to work hard to look beauty, or we'd all just be naturally skinny and perfect.

I will not eat the rest of tonight.  I promise myself that.  I am 132 right now.  I think that by tomorrow night (if I don't eat at all tomorrow)  I could get down to 130.  I really hope so.  Or atleast closer to that.  I want to be 125 so bad.  I think as soon as I reach that number...I will feel like I can reach any number.

I will be skinny...I have to be.  I'd rather die than be fat anymoree.

Starve on,
Lacie.

hiiii (:

Everythings going pretty welllll.  I anticipate that I will definitely be 125 by atleast the 20th...maybe sooner!  I'm feeling just so strong latelyyy.  I had 195 calories today because I had a small cinnamon raisin bagel in school, then I burned it off at track.  I'm deciding whether I should have a few bites of dinner, because my mom just called me for it.  The thing is...I just drank my favorite zero calorie drink (coffee, black with 0 calorie sweetener) and I'm not hungry.  Maybe I'll have a little dinner later.  I dunno though.  I'm most likely going to come post again later tonighttt, so bye byeee (:

Starve on,
Lacie.

Really good day.

My body is just being so weird lately!  I was like 135 yesterday right?  And now this morning I was about 132, and now I weighed myself again after school and track and not eating all day, and I weighed 130!  I hope its not like a trick decrease because I really think I could get down to 125 at this rate...and soon! 

I am doing really well today.  I've only had 90 calories total which was a granola bar that I ate right before track for some energy.  I didn't even taste it, thats how in the zone I was today about  not eating haha.  I just needed some energy, and since I am 130 again I guess it wasn't thaaat bad of an idea.

I might post another one tonight.  I'm not sure though.  Pray for me not to binge tonight you guys!  I really need to be on a good schedule.  Today is perfect because its the beginning of a new month, and a new semester in school.  I am so ready.  I have two months until I go to Florida with my best friend.  I think I'm gonna be able to do this.  I want to be at least 110 when we go.  I feel like I'd feel so much better in a swim suit.  Wish me luckkkk!

Starve on,
Lacie.