Made by me.
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16 years ago
Thursday, December 31, 2009
New Years Fast
What a terrible, terrible day so far. I was planning to fast until tonight, but i didn't do so well. I ended up eating, and i know it was no more than 500 calories, maybe less...but it still makes me feel awful. I'm not planning to eat at all tonight, and then tomorrow on the new year, the first day of 2010, i will be starting my new years fast.
I'm going to fast tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday. On Monday i'm going to eat my usual weekday breakfast, which is two egg whites with ketchup or salsa (39), because i have a track meet that afternoon which i'm running in i'm pretty sure. On Sunday night i'll post my schedule for the week, I"m not completely sure yet.
I know that i can have fun tonight with my friends without eating. We'll be baking cookies and theres gonna be brownies and chips though, so i'm going to really have to try. I'm begging you Ana to help me. Its all i need, is the will power to not put anything but water and coke zero in my mouth tonight. I know i will do well. I will not break down.
Now that i'm finally to 130 pounds, my new goal is 125. I want to be 125 by Sunday, January 10th. I am going to do really strict dieting the coming week so that i can reach that goal. I cannot wait until i am below 120, i'm going to start to feel so much better.
Anyway, wish me luck on my new years fast! I"m hoping that everything will go smoothly. No more eating today, and everything will be okay.
Starve on,
Lacie.
I'm going to fast tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday. On Monday i'm going to eat my usual weekday breakfast, which is two egg whites with ketchup or salsa (39), because i have a track meet that afternoon which i'm running in i'm pretty sure. On Sunday night i'll post my schedule for the week, I"m not completely sure yet.
I know that i can have fun tonight with my friends without eating. We'll be baking cookies and theres gonna be brownies and chips though, so i'm going to really have to try. I'm begging you Ana to help me. Its all i need, is the will power to not put anything but water and coke zero in my mouth tonight. I know i will do well. I will not break down.
Now that i'm finally to 130 pounds, my new goal is 125. I want to be 125 by Sunday, January 10th. I am going to do really strict dieting the coming week so that i can reach that goal. I cannot wait until i am below 120, i'm going to start to feel so much better.
Anyway, wish me luck on my new years fast! I"m hoping that everything will go smoothly. No more eating today, and everything will be okay.
Starve on,
Lacie.
130 !
As of today, i am officially 130 pounds! I was so excited i could hardly contain myself! I can finally set my new goal, which is what i have been waiting for. I'm happy i got to 130 for new years. But i'm scared of new years tomorrow.
I'm having my friends sleepover for the whole new years eve thing and we are going to have junkfood. I'm not eating all day tomorrow, and i am going to resist as best as i can tomorrow night. I think i will do better than i anticipate. I hope so atleast.
My two day fast went really well. I didn't eat anything until 12pm tonight. Then i ate some fruit and a couple other things. Nothing to worry about since after tomorrow night, or maybe even including it...the rest of my break is a fast. I'm not planning to eat at all. Its just better that way.
Anyway, i still am missing justin a lot. And i am getting really upset with my boyfriend, he's not very good at being my boyfriend. Do you believe that he didn't talk to me since sunday, and then i finally texted him tonight to see what was up. He just sucks at being my boyfriend. Justin was such a good boyfriend and i miss him being my boyfriend because i love him so much and he always made me happy and always made me smile. He talked to me all the time and i always felt like he really wanted to too, you know? I miss that. I miss having a good older boyfriend. He was just so much better at it.
Starve on,
Lacie.
I'm having my friends sleepover for the whole new years eve thing and we are going to have junkfood. I'm not eating all day tomorrow, and i am going to resist as best as i can tomorrow night. I think i will do better than i anticipate. I hope so atleast.
My two day fast went really well. I didn't eat anything until 12pm tonight. Then i ate some fruit and a couple other things. Nothing to worry about since after tomorrow night, or maybe even including it...the rest of my break is a fast. I'm not planning to eat at all. Its just better that way.
Anyway, i still am missing justin a lot. And i am getting really upset with my boyfriend, he's not very good at being my boyfriend. Do you believe that he didn't talk to me since sunday, and then i finally texted him tonight to see what was up. He just sucks at being my boyfriend. Justin was such a good boyfriend and i miss him being my boyfriend because i love him so much and he always made me happy and always made me smile. He talked to me all the time and i always felt like he really wanted to too, you know? I miss that. I miss having a good older boyfriend. He was just so much better at it.
Starve on,
Lacie.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Today was very good. I didn't eat anything, i followed my schedule and i'm so happy. I didn't have as much water as i should have, so i figure i'll drink that tomorrow after i weigh myself, before track practice. I'm happy, yet not happy about track. I want to run, so that i can burn calories and be skinny, but i do not want to run at nine am. I want to run later haha. Thats just too early for my winter break. Whatever though i guess i'll deal with it.
I saw my ex boyfriend justin today...i miss him so much. Its so unbelievably complicated between us...but i love him, and he loves me. Its terrible to say, because i have my boyfriend. But things will just never be the same with anyone else. I will always love justin the most. Every other guy will always be second best, and that makes me so sad to think that i will never feel the way i feel about justin for anyone else. I want to only feel it for justin, but i cannot because we aren't together. I want to be able to have that amazing feeling for someone else, but its impossible. It will never happen again for me. I miss him so much.
He's part of the reason i stopped eating. When we first broke up, Mia was my friend. I used to throw up all the time. I used to think of it as punishment, for not being good enough. I used to tell myself that i deserved to be in pain, and uncomfortable and sick. Then i stopped doing that...just because it hurt too much. After a couple months though, i realized that if i wasn't good enough, why not make myself good enough? I used to think that if i was skinny, that he'd want to be with me again. I know thats not right now, things are way more complicated than that.
Now, i do this for me, and so many other reasons too. Once i got good at it, and i started running, and i started losing weight, i started feeling better. Everytime i reach a goal weight, i feel like i can do anything. I feel amazing. And when i'm so skinny that justin can feel my spine under my shirt, and my ribs when he hugs me...maybe he'll come back.
He knows about it though now. I never planned on him knowing, but he found out accidentally. One of the texts that i was sending to my friend ant, the one who talks to me about it, i accidentally sent it to justin and so he asked. And i cannot lie to him, i just can't. So i told him, and he told me it was terrible, and that 150 calories a day wasn't a proper diet and that i needed to talk to somebody. I don't want to ever talk to someone. He just ignores it now. He'll never talk about it. He knows i don't eat, he knows how i starve myself and he doesn't talk about it to avoid confrontation. Good, i don't want to talk about it with him. He'll only see the benefits of it, he doesn't need to see what it takes to get there. Thats for me to endure and no one else to know about.
Such a long entry today, i just had a lot on my mind. I have to go to bed though soon because of my early morning track practice, so wish me luck with my fasting tomorrow. Goodnighttt.
Starve on,
Lacie.
I saw my ex boyfriend justin today...i miss him so much. Its so unbelievably complicated between us...but i love him, and he loves me. Its terrible to say, because i have my boyfriend. But things will just never be the same with anyone else. I will always love justin the most. Every other guy will always be second best, and that makes me so sad to think that i will never feel the way i feel about justin for anyone else. I want to only feel it for justin, but i cannot because we aren't together. I want to be able to have that amazing feeling for someone else, but its impossible. It will never happen again for me. I miss him so much.
He's part of the reason i stopped eating. When we first broke up, Mia was my friend. I used to throw up all the time. I used to think of it as punishment, for not being good enough. I used to tell myself that i deserved to be in pain, and uncomfortable and sick. Then i stopped doing that...just because it hurt too much. After a couple months though, i realized that if i wasn't good enough, why not make myself good enough? I used to think that if i was skinny, that he'd want to be with me again. I know thats not right now, things are way more complicated than that.
Now, i do this for me, and so many other reasons too. Once i got good at it, and i started running, and i started losing weight, i started feeling better. Everytime i reach a goal weight, i feel like i can do anything. I feel amazing. And when i'm so skinny that justin can feel my spine under my shirt, and my ribs when he hugs me...maybe he'll come back.
He knows about it though now. I never planned on him knowing, but he found out accidentally. One of the texts that i was sending to my friend ant, the one who talks to me about it, i accidentally sent it to justin and so he asked. And i cannot lie to him, i just can't. So i told him, and he told me it was terrible, and that 150 calories a day wasn't a proper diet and that i needed to talk to somebody. I don't want to ever talk to someone. He just ignores it now. He'll never talk about it. He knows i don't eat, he knows how i starve myself and he doesn't talk about it to avoid confrontation. Good, i don't want to talk about it with him. He'll only see the benefits of it, he doesn't need to see what it takes to get there. Thats for me to endure and no one else to know about.
Such a long entry today, i just had a lot on my mind. I have to go to bed though soon because of my early morning track practice, so wish me luck with my fasting tomorrow. Goodnighttt.
Starve on,
Lacie.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Today was fine. I got a little drunk earlier though so i might have eaten some bad stuff, i don't remember well but i think it was just a small slice of pizza and some bread. I don't know why i ate. It sucks but whatever, there was nothing i could do. I'm fasting completely tomorrow, and maybe the next day too. I'm just really upset lately and i don't want to eat. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe i'll see someone worth seeing.
Tomorrow's eating schedule:
nothing.
Stay strong, starve on,
Lacie.
Tomorrow's eating schedule:
nothing.
Stay strong, starve on,
Lacie.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Today would have been perfect if i wasn't forced to go out to stupid dinner. I had a fruit bowl, and i know thats not so bad but i really wanted today to be a complete fast. I had to go though, my parents wouldn't let me refuse. That makes me mad. I don't need other people getting in the way of me being thin. I don't need that at all. I wanna do this and not have anybody interfere. From now on, on here i am going to plan out what i am eating the next day. I will not let myself stray from it. I have a track meet tomorrow, but i am not running. I just go and watch. Whatever.
After the whole christmas binge, i lost weight. Thats crazy. I ate so much food, and i went down two pounds! What the f*ck right?! Whatever, i'm going right back to my normal schedule of 150 and below. I would try the ABC diet that so many like so much, but i don't think i could bring myself to consume more than 200 calories a day, i would just feel so bad about it. Maybe i'll make my own special diet. I don't know, i'll think of something.
Tomorrow's eating schedule:
Breakfast- two egg whites with salsa (39)
Lunch- half an apple (22)
Dinner- half an apple (22) + half pickle (10)
TOTAL CALORIES: 93
Okay i'm going to follow that exactly, no cheating i promise. Nightttt.
Stay strong, starve on,
Lacie.
After the whole christmas binge, i lost weight. Thats crazy. I ate so much food, and i went down two pounds! What the f*ck right?! Whatever, i'm going right back to my normal schedule of 150 and below. I would try the ABC diet that so many like so much, but i don't think i could bring myself to consume more than 200 calories a day, i would just feel so bad about it. Maybe i'll make my own special diet. I don't know, i'll think of something.
Tomorrow's eating schedule:
Breakfast- two egg whites with salsa (39)
Lunch- half an apple (22)
Dinner- half an apple (22) + half pickle (10)
TOTAL CALORIES: 93
Okay i'm going to follow that exactly, no cheating i promise. Nightttt.
Stay strong, starve on,
Lacie.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Alone
I'm so lonely lately. I feel like if i had a friend who was just like me, then this would be so much easier. Like i wish i had an Ana-buddy. I wish that somebody read my blog so then they'd see that i need help. I just want someone who understands who will always be there to talk to, so i could like text them or something. I just feel like i'm alone in all this, even though i know there are so many more girls like me. I wish i could connect with one of them. I just need help, someone to push me along, and i could help them too.
Today was bad. I didn't do well at all and i don't really want to talk about it. The good news is that i haven't gained any weight from the christmas rush. That was such a shock. I need to really get back in the swing of things though. I'm just doing so badly at calorie counting. I've changed my mind and decided to go back to a food journal, but i'm going to do it a little differently than i was before. I hope it helps.
Tomorrow i don't think i'm going to eat. Its like i would eat 100 calories a day, but as soon as i eat one thing, i wanna eat EVERYTHING! And its like i have no control anymore. I feel best when i don't eat at all, or eat like negetive calorie things. I might eat an apple tomorrow, and then i'll just have water or zero calorie sodas. I think that would be best. I usually have trouble decideing WHEN to eat the one apple though. Like, i like to feel hungry, so maybe i just won't eat it at all. I don't know, whatever. I'm going to figure it out.
I really just need someone. I hope that maybe someone will read this, and they'll see that i need help. I just want a friend that can help me and that i can help. I need someone really bad ):
Stay strong, starve on,
Lacie.
Today was bad. I didn't do well at all and i don't really want to talk about it. The good news is that i haven't gained any weight from the christmas rush. That was such a shock. I need to really get back in the swing of things though. I'm just doing so badly at calorie counting. I've changed my mind and decided to go back to a food journal, but i'm going to do it a little differently than i was before. I hope it helps.
Tomorrow i don't think i'm going to eat. Its like i would eat 100 calories a day, but as soon as i eat one thing, i wanna eat EVERYTHING! And its like i have no control anymore. I feel best when i don't eat at all, or eat like negetive calorie things. I might eat an apple tomorrow, and then i'll just have water or zero calorie sodas. I think that would be best. I usually have trouble decideing WHEN to eat the one apple though. Like, i like to feel hungry, so maybe i just won't eat it at all. I don't know, whatever. I'm going to figure it out.
I really just need someone. I hope that maybe someone will read this, and they'll see that i need help. I just want a friend that can help me and that i can help. I need someone really bad ):
Stay strong, starve on,
Lacie.
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