Discipline is remembering what you want.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Today was very good.  I didn't eat anything, i followed my schedule and i'm so happy.  I didn't have as much water as i should have, so i figure i'll drink that tomorrow after i weigh myself, before track practice.  I'm happy, yet not happy about track.  I want to run, so that i can burn calories and be skinny, but i do not want to run at nine am.  I want to run later haha.  Thats just too early for my winter break.  Whatever though i guess i'll deal with it.

I saw my ex boyfriend justin today...i miss him so much.  Its so unbelievably complicated between us...but i love him, and he loves me.  Its terrible to say, because i have my boyfriend.  But things will just never be the same with anyone else.  I will always love justin the most.  Every other guy will always be second best, and that makes me so sad to think that i will never feel the way i feel about justin for anyone else.  I want to only feel it for justin, but i cannot because we aren't together.  I want to be able to have that amazing feeling for someone else, but its impossible.  It will never happen again for me.  I miss him so much.

He's part of the reason i stopped eating.  When we first broke up, Mia was my friend.  I used to throw up all the time.  I used to think of it as punishment, for not being good enough.  I used to tell myself that i deserved to be in pain, and uncomfortable and sick.  Then i stopped doing that...just because it hurt too much.  After a couple months though, i realized that if i wasn't good enough, why not make myself good enough?  I used to think that if i was skinny, that he'd want to be with me again.  I know thats not right now, things are way more complicated than that.

Now, i do this for me, and so many other reasons too.  Once i got good at it, and i started running, and i started losing weight, i started feeling better.  Everytime i reach a goal weight, i feel like i can do anything.  I feel amazing.  And when i'm so skinny that justin can feel my spine under my shirt, and my ribs when he hugs me...maybe he'll come back.

He knows about it though now.  I never planned on him knowing, but he found out accidentally.  One of the texts that i was sending to my friend ant, the one who talks to me about it, i accidentally sent it to justin and so he asked.  And i cannot lie to him, i just can't.  So i told him, and he told me it was terrible, and that 150 calories a day wasn't a proper diet and that i needed to talk to somebody.  I don't want to ever talk to someone.  He just ignores it now.  He'll never talk about it.  He knows i don't eat, he knows how i starve myself and he doesn't talk about it to avoid confrontation.  Good, i don't want to talk about it with him.  He'll only see the benefits of it, he doesn't need to see what it takes to get there.  Thats for me to endure and no one else to know about.

Such a long entry today, i just had a lot on my mind.  I have to go to bed though soon because of my early morning track practice, so wish me luck with my fasting tomorrow.  Goodnighttt.

Starve on,

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