Discipline is remembering what you want.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

breaking down

I've just had this horrible feeling like i'm about to cry all the time lately.  I always fail!  Its awful.  I eat too much, i'm so fat.  Its like food is rebelling against me and just showing up everywhere, trying to ruin me.  Food wants me to be fat.  Its my enemy and i hate it.  I hate food, i hate my body.  I just want to be skinny.  Everyday i say that tomorrow will be better, well tomorrow WILL be better.  I swear on my mother's life.  I won't fuck up like i have been for that past couple of days.

I plan my days now, as of tonight.  I planned tomorrow all out, i'm going to eat two egg whites for breakfast with salsa (39) and nothing for lunch, then for dinner i will eat something 50 calories or below.  I might just make some of my low calorie chicken broth, its only like 10 calories per cup, so i can have like a cup of it and be fine.  I am going to be 125 by christmas, i swear.  I need to be.

My two best friends want to go out for pizza tomorrow, i don't know what i'm going to do.  I have to go, but i don't have to eat anything.  I'm begging to have the strength to not eat the pizza, not eat any of it.  I'll bring some coke zero and i'll just drink that the whole time.  I'll be strong.  I know i can be strong.  Ana, cling to me tomorrow night and don't let me eat any of that pizza, i'm begging you to help me.  I know i can do it with your help.

I don't need food.  Food is against me.  All the people that want me to eat are against me, they all want me to be fat.  The wind that slows me down when i run wants me to be fat.  My aching feet want me to be fat.  My hunger wants me to be fat.  My friends want me to be fat, my family too.  Everybody that says what i do is wrong or disgusting or unhealthy is jealous of my will power and my self control, none of them want me to be thin and happy.  My head wants me to be thin.  My heart wants me to be thin.  They tell me not to eat, they beg me not to eat.  Some days my stomach wins, but from now on, my head and my heart will win.  Its two against a million, a million things and people that want me to be fat forever.  They will come out alive, they will win.  They will help me to be strong.  Hold my by the hair if you must Ana, but don't let me go.  Teach me everything, teach me your strength and your will power.  I want to learn.  Teach me everything.  Show me the way to thin, to perfect.  I will be thin, i will be right.  Nothing and no one will stop me from getting what it is that i want.  I want to be thin and no one will stop me.  I refuse to live the way that i look, i would rather die than be fat any longer.  Tomorrow will always be a new day.  Be strong, don't faulter.  I don't need food.  I don't need food, food needs me.  Food brings me into it with a sweet smile, then it betrays me.  Hunger won't betray me the way food does.  Eating makes me unhappy all the time.  Not eating makes me unhappy at the moment, but happy later.  I'd rather be happy sometimes, so i will continue to starve.  I don't want to be saved.  I want to be thin.

Stay strong, starve on,

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