Discipline is remembering what you want.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

If anyones listening...i need help. What i really need is some encouragement. I was doing so well today and then i messed it up. I had two egg whites for breakfast (34) with ketcup (7) which is a total of 41 calories. Then i ate carrots again for lunch which is negetive. Then i ran like, 3 or 4 miles at track, then i came home. I was doing so well at home until like ten, then i started to not feel so good and was so hungry so i cooked broccoli, zuchinni, and some mushrooms in a pan and i just feel so guilty about eating it. I was doing so well. I guess i just really feel alone, and so i don't have somebody to tell me not to eat. I need help. So if anybody's reading this, and wants an ana-buddy, or atleast just someone to talk to, please talk to me. I need it.

Anyway, thats pretty much all today, i'm still just so upset about how i bad i did in the afternoon. I feel like maybe i'll start eating something around dinner time, something small or negetive in calories, every other day. Then i won't get so sick feeling. I run everyday so i don't feel as guilty as i could, but its just that i need to have some energy. I'm trying to keep my diet to a maximum of 150 calories. I can do it i think, that would make my days feel better.

My track coach keeps saying stuff about eating a good diet and carbs and protein and all that stuff, but i can't eat that stuff because its so high in calories. I feel like i don't have the energy that i could have for track, but its a sacrifice i have to make. I can still run, so thats really what matters to me.

I'm finally down to exactly 140, now i'm aiming for 135 and then 130. I'm setting my goals small so it seems like i reach them faster, which i think really helps.

Tomorrow i'm only eating one egg white for breakfast which is 17 calories, and ketchup which will equal up to 24 calories. I have to eat less tomorrow because i am leaving track practice at 3:20 so i won't get as much exercise in. I think that makes sense. I might bring just some of my mom's iced tea for lunch, because when i add lemon and sweetener, its still 0 calories, then i'll have some more energy for track because of the caffiene.

I'm also thinking about investing in some diet mountain dew, haha. I saw on someone's on here that they drink that, and i honestly didn't even know it existed. I love mountain dew, so i figure that would be amazing since i'm guessing its probably 0 calories just like diet coke right? I hope so because i miss soda so much! I haven't had soda in weeks.

My stomach doesn't feel right right now. I'm used to it feeling empty and hungry, but since i had those vegetables it feels too full. I'm not having anything at dinnertime tomorrow because i'll be at a concert tomorrow, thank god. I'm swearing to myself now that i will not eat anything at the concert, or drink anything but water. I'll just keep reminding myself that i don't need it, and that saying yes to food is saying no to thin. And i would never say no to thin.

I'm really tired right now, so i think i'm gonna go to sleep. Sleep has been a big help because when i'm sleeping, i'm not feeling hungry. Also i have been taking bubble baths as well, and they make me not feel so hungry all the time either. Thats what i need, if i just never felt hungry then i would eat so much less. Okay, i'm gonna go.

Stay strong, starve on,

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