Lately people have asked me, "why do you wanna lose weight all the sudden?" Like my mom thinks that my boyfriend said something to me or that people say stuff in school. Thats not why. I just want to be thin. I'm gross, i honestly sicken myself. Everythings too big and too much. I'm doing this for me, nobody else. I mean of course i care about what other people think and i'm gonna look better and all, but i mostly care about what i think.

I have no control over anything, except for my weight, so i plan to control it. I'm going to be down to 100 before i know it, and its going to be easy.

I'm not gonna eat for a while. I just burned off about 300 calories on the treadmill, so that means today total i have like...maybe 100 in me. I don't want anymore, so i am going to try to not eat. Thats hard sometimes, because my mom makes dinner and stuff and when i say i'm not hungry, its like she knows that i'm not eating ever. I don't want anyone to know.

Theres only one person who i tell all of this to, well most of it anyway. His names Ant, like Anthony? And he's really sweet. And the sad thing is that i have a boyfriend but i really like this kid, he's really amazing, and he treats me really well and stuff. He's just far away though, and i like my boyfriend alot too, and he's so close. Its alltogether a little bit confusing, so i just do whats easiest which is to stay with Cody, my boyfriend.

Ant doesn't really know how i feel i don't think. He thinks he knows but he doesn't. I don't think he really knows how deep inside me this runs, and how hard i work and how much i want this, and what i would do for it. I'd rather die than be fat anymore.

By the summer i'm going to look normal just like every other girl. I'm going to be confident in a bikini and in shorts, and thats one really important thing to me. Confidence is something i have always wanted, just like those models you see and all those pretty, skinny girls that walk around the beach. I'm going to be like them. Its all i want.

Its easier to not eat on week days, when i'm in school. I'm just too busy to think about eating there, and plus there i can't just eat whenever i want because i have a certain lucnh period. That makes it so much easier. Plus i don't eat in lunch and then i run like five miles at track. That always makes me feel really good.

On a good day i take in less that 400 calories, on a bad day i take in more. I hate bad days because they make me feel so awful. They make me feel gross and terrible, and like i wanna be sick.

I saw something in another blog about fasting...i think i wanna try that soon. It would really help me, and i feel like it would make me stronger. The only problem with not eating at all is that i don't want to pass out at track or anything. I wanna be able to run and stuff and Thats why i have to eat like some food in one day. So that i can run.

Today is mine and my ex boyfriends anniversary day. I miss him a lot. I don't really wanna get into that situation because its a really long story and you might not understand. Its difficult. I still love him a lot, and today would have been one year and eight months. Whatever.

Its snowing outside. Its kind of depressing looking though because it rained first so none of the snow is sticking, its all just melting away. I wish it would stick, i love snow. Its really pretty.

I'm scared of Christmas. The Christmas season is going to be so hard to not eat during, because everyones there and they all make really good food and its stuff that you don't get year round, so you want to eat some you know? Plus we're going to my aunts for the christmas party and they will notice if i don't eat or anything. I plan to just always keep a drink with me, so then the attention will be taken away because there will be some kind of intake. No one will notice hopefully.

I can't wait until i'm thin, i'm counting the pounds.

I will be thin,
Lacie.