Discipline is remembering what you want.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Help me

So i'm not so good at fasting, atleast not today. I did so horribly last night when i was with my friends, i ate too much and i was sure that i would have gained weight. When i got home i weighed myself and i was still the same...that was fine. But today has been bad too. I feel like i just can't stop eating. I just finished trying to throw up for the first time. I need help though.

I guess maybe i just am doing it wrong, but i stuck a toothbrush down my throat and moved it around for a little and not only did it take forever, but i only threw up a tiny bit. Not enough to make me feel right. Please help me, i wanna have this backup when i need it. Could someone tell me what i'm doing wrong?

I'm not going to eat for the rest of the night, i need to learn how to fast better and i need to control my head. Thats like the only reason i have been eating so much! Its like my mind just turned off for last night and today, i need to start to control myself.

On monday i'm going to try the 50 calorie fast again, because its easier to do when i have school. I'll try to make it last atleast until tuesday night. Or maybe i'll just start only eating like 50 calories on weekdays. Usually i do 150 or less, but i think i could do 50 or 50 - 100. If i get my self control back!

I hope everything turns out okay. I'm just so scared of that number on the scale going up! Staying at the same one for a while is bad enough, but it moving up would just be so horribly degrading. I will not let it happen. I just have to get my mind set back. Anyway, i'm gonna keep this short because i might post more later tonight.

Stay strong, starve on,

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