I wish i was never hungry. I wish food didn't exist. I hate food so much. I hate it for what its made me, and how it makes me feel. I'm always hungry. It makes me feel so awful, because i don't want to eat! I hate eating. I wish there was no such thing as hunger, and i wish that food didn't taste good for me, because then maybe i wouldn't ever eat.

I always have to lie, to make people get over the fact that i'm not eating at lunch or to make my family forget that i'm not eating much of dinner. "I'm not hungry." that's what i tell them. That's what i tell anybody who asks or anybody who gets suspicious. I just don't want to eat, i don't understand why they care so much. Its up to me that i don't want food, and i'm the one who's fat, not them. I don't need food. I need control. My weight is one thing i can control, and i'm good at it usually. In the last two weeks i've lost seven pounds, which is amazing for me because its going to get better. This is only the beginning. Next week i will have lose ten more pounds hopefully. I started out weighing 150, and i hate that number so much. Right now i'm 143, and i want to be between 100 and 110. And i will be. Maybe i'll even be less. I know it doesn't happen overnight, it will take some time.

I do winter track at my school and i love to run. Its so honest and so free and easy. There's no cheating in running, because if you stop, you're only cheating yourself, not anybody else. That won't help you, and it will only make you feel worse. During practice usually i am running with someone, or a group of girls. But on the weekends i run alone, and i like it. It gives me time to concentrate on my own thoughts, and i can think about what i'm doing and where i'm going next and everything i want to think about. Running is just so easy and amazing, and it makes you feel so good when you are finished.

My two best friends are doing winter track with me. They don't have any idea that i don't eat that much. Sometimes they get suspicious when i don't drink soda at our sleep overs or when i won't eat the fattening, calorie loaded snacks at the parties, but they would never ever think that i'm dying to be thin.

Running also burns a lot of calories, and i'm an obsessive calorie counter. I mostly try to eat about 300 calories a day or less, and sometimes its really hard because sometimes my family wants to go out, or i'm with my boyfriend and his family and i feel bad not to eat. I figure i can use "I'm not hungry." or "My stomach doesn't feel so well." a couple of times but then its starts to get old and they'll begin to notice.

Not eating is such a struggle every day because i have this problem where somtimes, i just want to taste something. And i know there is no way that i'm the only one with that problem, because its probably pretty common. I'll just feel like i'm hungry when really i just want to taste something, and thats why i wish food didn't taste so good. Because then i wouldn't want to eat as much as i do.

Lunch in school is such a battle, because everyone around me is eating. Except for mike, who i call my partner inside my head. he does wrestling so he's barely ever eating, and he makes me feel not so alone. I'd never let him know how i view him, but its just how it is. He's easy to look to for encouragement. A lot of things are actually.

I use the mirror the most for encouragement. sometimes i'll just stand in front of it in my undies and bra, and i'll just stare, and tell myself that i want that all to go away. Its easy when i have a mirror, because then it reminds me why i'm not eating.

Its 1:30am where i am, i really have to get to sleep if i want to be able to run atleast five miles tomorrow. I'm pretty sure i'll be logging in everyday, or every other day if possible. I'm usually real tired after track and sometimes i fall asleep, but i'm going to do the best i can. Okay, bye.

I will be thin,
Lacie.