Weakness

My own weakness disgusts me.  I fasted from yesterday all the way to tonight, then i exercised and burned five hundred calories, then i ate food and felt so ridiculously guilty.  All my hard work just to eat.  I'm down to 133 right now, but i imagine it might go up because i weighed myself before i ate like 200 calories, probably more.  I usually don't eat that much in one day! How awful. 

Tomorrow i am beginning another two day fast, i'm pretty good at it until the next night.  I'm going to plan it though, right here.  I will not eat tomorrow, or the next day.  But that night, the night after tomorrow night, i will allow myself 50 calories (probably cup a soup).  That will work.  I have track tomorrow so i'm hoping i run off everything that i ate tonight (two small chocolate chip cookies with no chocolate chips, and a piece of my 70 calorie wheat bread with jelly).  Ugh, i'm embarassed at that.  Disgusting. 

I love christmas, but i hate it too.  All the sweets and stuff that my mom keeps making are killing me !  And on the 23rd i'm going to a christmas party with my friends and i know that there will be so much there, i don't know what i'll do.  I pray that Ana will give me more strength than usual for that. 

I'm excited though about tomorrow, to start all over with a clean slate.

I've learned to never blame Ana.  I was going to blame her for tonight, but then i realized; Ana does not let me down, i let myself down.  I screw myself over when i ignore her.  She tells me not to eat it, but i let my stomach take over.  I won't do it anymore. 

I love Ana for helping me, i've lost almost 20 pounds total in the last month or so.  I'm going to start losing faster now that i'm better at fasting.  I really hope i get to 125 by christmas, i really really really hope so.  I refuse to let myself or Ana down.

Stay strong, starve on,
Lacie.