My own weakness disgusts me. I fasted from yesterday all the way to tonight, then i exercised and burned five hundred calories, then i ate food and felt so ridiculously guilty. All my hard work just to eat. I'm down to 133 right now, but i imagine it might go up because i weighed myself before i ate like 200 calories, probably more. I usually don't eat that much in one day! How awful.
Tomorrow i am beginning another two day fast, i'm pretty good at it until the next night. I'm going to plan it though, right here. I will not eat tomorrow, or the next day. But that night, the night after tomorrow night, i will allow myself 50 calories (probably cup a soup). That will work. I have track tomorrow so i'm hoping i run off everything that i ate tonight (two small chocolate chip cookies with no chocolate chips, and a piece of my 70 calorie wheat bread with jelly). Ugh, i'm embarassed at that. Disgusting.
I love christmas, but i hate it too. All the sweets and stuff that my mom keeps making are killing me ! And on the 23rd i'm going to a christmas party with my friends and i know that there will be so much there, i don't know what i'll do. I pray that Ana will give me more strength than usual for that.
I'm excited though about tomorrow, to start all over with a clean slate.
I've learned to never blame Ana. I was going to blame her for tonight, but then i realized; Ana does not let me down, i let myself down. I screw myself over when i ignore her. She tells me not to eat it, but i let my stomach take over. I won't do it anymore.
I love Ana for helping me, i've lost almost 20 pounds total in the last month or so. I'm going to start losing faster now that i'm better at fasting. I really hope i get to 125 by christmas, i really really really hope so. I refuse to let myself or Ana down.
Stay strong, starve on,
7 years ago