Discipline is remembering what you want.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Matching Scars

I actually did something i said i was going to do for once.  Last night i cut my right hip for my terrible day.  Tonighti cut my left hip for being a victim of peanut butter.  I ate too much today.  I was doing so well all day, i hadn't eaten at all until i got home.  Its like peanut butter is a drug.  I love it so much.  I need to get rid of it...but everyone else in my house would notice.  Ugh i hate my life.  Tomorrow is the start of a complete fast, and its going to last for a long time.

I am so tired of messing up, so tired of failing and so tired of being fat.  i'm still at 130, and i need to be 125 now.  I want it so bad.  I don't understand why if i want this so bad i let myself stray from my fasts and from Ana.  I let myself eat, and i eat too much.  I'm just too fat and too much of a pig.  I'm so sick of being disgusting.  I want to be 100 pounds.  I need it.  I will do it. 

Had track today, which will atleast take away some of the 600 - 700 calories that i shoved in my mouth today.  I hope so.  Tomorrows a harder track workout, maybe like six miles.  All i have to say to that is thanks to my coach.  He'll be the first person i thank when i reach 100.  He pushes me, and he's helping me get to where i want to be.  And he doesn't even know it.  He's gonna make my dreams come true.

Him and Ana.

Starve on,

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