Discipline is remembering what you want.

Sunday, January 17, 2010


I just feel like i'm stuck here.  I feel like i'm never going to lose anymore weight and like suddenly i'm just done or something.  Its like my mind has decided on its own, "i've lost enough weight, now i can do what i want." which isn't true.  I have not lost enough.  It won't be enough until i am happy, and i am not happy.  I'm going to be 125, and then i'm going to be less and less.

Tomorrow is just what i need.  Tomorrow starts a brand new week, and if i don't eat tomorrow, then i will be more fueled to do better the rest of the week.  My friend Brian is coming over tomorrow, so maybe he'll distract me from eating, and then i won't at all.  I just wish i was always distracted to so i wouldn't eat.  What it used to be was that i ate whenever i was bored, and now i don't want to do that anymore.  I'm scared that I'm getting into that habbit again.  Ugh, I really don't want to.  I just want to be thin.

I need to find a new place for my cuts...my hips is good because no one will ever see them, but they aren't good because my jeans rub against the cuts and it makes them hurt.  I don't know where else to do it though.  I don't want to do my wrists because anyone can see them.  Not my shoulders because anyone could see them too.  I'm thinking about doing like my upper thigh or something, but i'm not sure yet. 

I'm so sad tonight, i need to change.  I just wish i was a whole new person, a whole new, beautiful, thin person.  Then i could start all over, and i wouldn't have to go through this.  It hurts, and its so hard.  I just have to keep telling myself that beauty is pain, thats all i need to think.  I'm just am tired of being a fat mess, and being disgusting and gross. 

Its like sometimes i feel like i'm almost there, but then i'll think of what a long way i have to go.  I want thin now, I wish I didn't have to work so hard and wait so long.  I just want to be happy.  I just want to be thin.


Starve on,

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